You’ve been there. A meeting starts at 9:00 AM, but by 9:15, three people are on their phones, the manager is monologuing, and the quietest person in the room—the one with the actual solution—hasn't said a single word. It’s a mess. People think "rules of engagement" is just some stiff military jargon used by generals in war rooms to decide when to pull a trigger. It’s not. In the modern workplace, if you don't define rules of engagement, you’re basically inviting chaos to sit at the head of your conference table.
Chaos is expensive.
What it Actually Means to Define Rules of Engagement
Let’s strip away the corporate fluff. To define rules of engagement is to set the "how" of interaction before the "what" of the work begins. It’s the social contract. In a military context, specifically under International Humanitarian Law, these are the directives issued by a military authority that delineate the circumstances and limitations under which forces will initiate or continue combat. But in your office? It’s about psychological safety and efficiency.
Most leaders assume everyone knows how to behave. They don't. One person thinks "urgent" means a Slack message at 10:00 PM on a Sunday. Another thinks "urgent" means a phone call during business hours. When these expectations clash, resentment builds. You aren't just making a list of chores; you are drawing a map for how humans should collide without hurting each other.
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The International Institute for Strategic Studies (IISS) often highlights how ambiguity in engagement leads to unintended escalation. The same applies to your marketing team. If the rules aren't clear, a small disagreement over a font choice escalates into a departmental cold war because nobody defined how to handle "creative friction."
The Military Roots and the Corporate Pivot
We have to look at where this started to understand why it’s so misunderstood today. In the U.S. military, the Standing Rules of Engagement (SROE) are established by the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. These aren't suggestions. They are legal and operational boundaries. They cover things like "Right of Self-Defense" and "Hostile Intent."
Why does a CEO care about this? Because businesses operate in high-stakes environments too.
When Netflix published its famous culture deck, they were essentially trying to define rules of engagement for high-performance talent. They didn't call it that, but that’s what it was. They told employees: "We pay top of market, but we expect you to be an adult." They defined the "rule" that adequate performance gets a generous severance package. It sounds harsh, but it’s clear. Clarity is kindness.
Why "Implicit" Rules are Killing Your Culture
Most groups operate on implicit rules. These are the "unspoken" things.
- "Don't speak up when the VP is in a bad mood."
- "Always CC the entire department so you don't get blamed."
- "Meetings always run over, so show up five minutes late."
These are toxic. They develop like mold in the dark. By taking the time to explicitly define rules of engagement, you shine a light on these behaviors. You replace the "unspoken" with the "written."
How to Actually Set the Rules (Without Being a Dictator)
Don't just hand down a tablet from the mountain. That never works. If you want people to actually follow the rules, they need to help write them. Start with the "Communication Stack."
Honestly, most of us are drowning in notifications. A solid rule of engagement for a remote team might be: "Slack is for chatter and quick questions. Email is for formal decisions. Loom is for feedback. No one is expected to answer anything after 6:00 PM unless the server is literally on fire."
That’s a rule. It’s actionable. It’s a relief.
Then you have to tackle conflict. This is where most people get squeamish. In his book The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni argues that the fear of conflict is a core failure. To fix this, you have to define rules of engagement for how to disagree.
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You might decide that on your team, "Conflict is directed at ideas, never people." Or perhaps, "Once a decision is made, we all commit 100%, even if we disagreed in the room." This is the Intel "Disagree and Commit" model. It’s a rule of engagement that prevents passive-aggressive sabotage later on.
The Surprising Nuance of "Hostile Intent" in Business
In the military, you can engage if you perceive hostile intent. In business, we often misinterpret "intent." We see a short email and assume the sender is angry. We see a missed deadline and assume the person is lazy.
A powerful rule of engagement is "Assume Positive Intent."
This changes the internal chemistry of a company. If the rule is to always assume your colleague is trying their best, your initial reaction to a mistake shifts from accusation to curiosity. You ask "What happened?" instead of "Why did you mess this up?" It sounds like a small shift. It’s actually a total tectonic move in how work gets done.
Real-World Examples: When Rules Saved the Day
Look at the healthcare industry. In a surgical suite, the rules of engagement are incredibly rigid. They have "Time-Outs." Before the first incision, everyone in the room—from the lead surgeon to the junior nurse—stops. They confirm the patient, the procedure, and the site.
This is a rule of engagement designed to prevent catastrophic error. It flattens the hierarchy. A nurse is empowered—required, actually—to speak up if something looks wrong. If a hospital doesn't define rules of engagement for that "Time-Out," people die.
In the tech world, "Incident Response" protocols are the same thing. When a site goes down, there is a "Commander." This person isn't necessarily the highest-ranking executive; they are the person in charge of the fix. The rule is: "Follow the Commander." Even the CEO has to stay out of the way.
The Cost of Getting It Wrong
What happens when you ignore this? You get "The Messy Middle."
Decisions take weeks because nobody knows who has the final say. Meetings are unproductive because three people are dominating the conversation. Talent leaves. High performers hate ambiguity. They want to know the "win conditions." If they don't know the rules, they can't win. And if they can't win, they’ll go find a game where they can.
Common Misconceptions
Some people think rules of engagement stifle creativity. They think "We're a startup, we're agile, we don't need rules."
Wrong.
Agility requires even stricter rules. Think about jazz musicians. They are incredibly "agile" and "creative," but they are playing within a very tight set of rules regarding key, tempo, and chord progression. Without those rules, it's just noise. With them, it's art. Your business is the same. The rules provide the structure that allows the creativity to actually go somewhere.
Actionable Steps to Define Your Own Rules
Stop talking about "culture" in the abstract and start building the manual.
First, audit your current friction. Where do people get annoyed? Is it the late-night emails? The "meeting about the meeting"? Identify the top three pain points.
Next, gather the stakeholders. Don't call it a "Policy Workshop." Call it a "How We Win" session. Ask: "What are the behaviors that make us successful, and what are the ones that slow us down?"
Write it down. Keep it short. If your rules of engagement are 50 pages long, no one will read them. Aim for a single page.
Specific Rules to Consider:
- The 24-Hour Rule: Give yourself 24 hours before responding to an email that made you angry.
- No "Naked" Links: Don't just drop a link in a chat. Explain why you're sending it and what you want the other person to do with it.
- The "Double-Muted" Rule: If you're on a call and not speaking, you’re on mute. No exceptions.
- ELMO: "Enough, Let's Move On." Anyone can call "ELMO" if a meeting is circling the drain.
Moving Toward Clarity
Defining the rules isn't a one-time event. It’s a living document. You need to revisit it every six months because teams change, technology changes, and the market changes.
When you define rules of engagement, you aren't just managing a team; you're building a system. You're taking the guesswork out of professional interaction. This leads to faster decisions, less burnout, and frankly, a much happier place to spend 40 to 60 hours of your week.
Start today by identifying one unspoken rule that’s causing grief in your office. Bring it into the light. Discuss it. Turn it into an explicit rule. You’ll be surprised how quickly the "noise" turns back into "music."
Next Steps for Your Team:
- Conduct a Friction Audit: Ask every team member to list two things that frustrate them about how the team communicates or makes decisions.
- Draft a "Team Manifesto": Create a simple, five-point document that explicitly states how you handle meetings, disagreements, and deadlines.
- Assign an "Engagement Monitor": Rotate the role of someone who ensures the rules are being followed during meetings to prevent old habits from creeping back in.
- Review the Rules Monthly: Spend ten minutes in a monthly sync to ask if the current rules are still serving the team or if they need to be tweaked.