It is exhausting to watch someone you love tear themselves apart. You see their brilliance, their sharp wit, or that weirdly specific talent they have for fixing things, but they see a disaster. Every compliment you give seems to slide off them like water off a duck's back. Or worse, they argue with you about why they actually suck. If you’ve ever tried helping someone with low self confidence, you know it feels less like a conversation and more like a tug-of-war where the other person is trying to lose.
Stop for a second.
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Most people approach this with "toxic positivity." They shout, "But you're so smart!" at a person who feels fundamentally broken. It doesn't work. In fact, research into social psychology—specifically a concept called Self-Verification Theory—suggests that people with low self-esteem actually feel uncomfortable when you give them overly positive feedback that contradicts their self-image. It feels fake to them. It feels like you're lying just to be nice.
To actually help, you have to stop being a cheerleader and start being a mirror.
The Psychology of Why They Can’t Hear You
We think confidence is a battery that just needs charging. It’s not. It’s a filter.
According to Dr. William Swann, who pioneered the study of self-verification, humans have a deep-seated need to be known and understood by others according to their own self-views. If I think I'm a bad cook and you tell me I'm a Michelin-star chef, I don’t feel good. I feel like you don't know me. I might even pull away because you feel "unsafe" or "dishonest."
This is the central paradox of helping someone with low self confidence. The more you praise them, the more they might retreat. You're trying to build a bridge, but you're accidentally building a wall of "you just don't get it."
The "Small Wins" Fallacy
We often tell people to "just go for it" or "fake it 'til you make it." That's kind of garbage advice for someone whose inner critic is a 24/7 news cycle of their failures.
Instead of pushing for huge leaps, look at what the American Psychological Association refers to as self-efficacy. This isn't about "feeling good"; it's about the belief in one's ability to execute a specific task. You don't help them by saying they are amazing at everything. You help by highlighting one tiny, undeniable fact. "You handled that difficult client today without losing your temper." It's specific. It's objective. It's hard for their brain to argue with a concrete data point.
Changing the Way You Talk (And Listen)
The biggest mistake? Trying to "fix" the feeling.
When your friend says, "I'm so ugly today," the instinct is to say, "No you're not!"
Don't do that.
Validate the feeling without agreeing with the premise. Try: "It sounds like you're really being hard on yourself today. That sucks. Want to grab coffee and talk about something else, or do you need to vent?"
By acknowledging their distress without debating the "fact" of their appearance, you're being a supportive partner rather than an adversary in an argument they are determined to win. Honestly, sometimes they just need to feel heard, not corrected.
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Stop the "Comparison Trap" for Them
Social media is a poison for the insecure. A 2011 study in the journal Psychological Science found that people with low self-esteem often use social media in ways that backfire, posting things that are "less likable" because they are seeking constant reassurance, which then leads to less engagement, which then tanks their confidence further. It's a brutal cycle.
If you’re helping someone with low self confidence, notice if they are constantly comparing their "behind-the-scenes" footage to everyone else's "highlight reel."
You can’t force them off Instagram. But you can change the environment when you're together. Put the phones away. Talk about real, messy stuff. Share your own failures. When you show your own "cracks," it gives them permission to be imperfect too. It’s about creating a "shame-free zone."
How to Handle the "Compliment Rejection"
It’s annoying when you give a genuine compliment and they bat it away.
"I love that shirt."
"Oh, this? It’s old and has a hole in it."
Basically, they are correcting your "error" in judgment.
One strategy is to use "I" statements that are subjective. Instead of "You are great at your job," try "I really appreciated how you handled that meeting; it made my life much easier." They can argue about their talent, but they can't argue with your personal experience of them. You are the expert on how you feel. It’s a subtle shift, but it’s harder for them to dismiss.
When Professional Help is the Only Real Move
Sometimes, low confidence isn't just "blues." It’s Clinical Depression or Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
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If their lack of confidence is stopping them from leaving the house, keeping a job, or maintaining any semblance of a social life, your pep talks aren't going to cut it. You wouldn't try to fix a broken leg with a Hallmark card.
- Observe patterns: Is this a bad week or a bad year?
- Mention the impact: "I’ve noticed you’ve been really down on yourself lately, and it seems like it's making it hard for you to enjoy things."
- Offer a bridge: "I’m not a pro at this, but maybe talking to a therapist could help sort out why your brain is being so mean to you."
Actionable Steps for Today
If you want to start helping someone with low self confidence right now, stop the grand gestures. Focus on the mundane.
- Ask for their help. This is a huge one. Give them a "low-stakes" opportunity to be the expert. "Hey, you're way better at Excel than I am, can you show me how to do this formula?" It reminds them they have value without you having to give a speech about it.
- Highlight their agency. When they succeed, don't say "You're so lucky" or "You're a genius." Say, "I saw how much work you put into that." Connect the result to their effort.
- The "Double Standard" Test. If they are spiraling, ask: "Would you talk to me the way you're talking to yourself right now?" Usually, the answer is a horrified "no." It forces a momentary break in the self-loathing logic.
- Patience is a literal requirement. You didn't build their house of mirrors, and you can't kick it down in an afternoon. It takes months, sometimes years, of consistent, low-pressure support.
Low self-confidence is a heavy coat someone wears every day. You can't pull it off them; they’ll just grip it tighter. You just have to keep the room warm until they feel safe enough to take it off themselves.
Focus on being a stable, non-judgmental presence. Use specific, task-based praise. Stop the "toxic positivity" loop. Most importantly, take care of your own mental health too—carrying someone else's baggage is a quick way to burn out.
Next Steps for Support:
- Identify one specific, non-physical trait you genuinely admire in them.
- Wait for a natural moment to mention how that trait benefited you specifically.
- Practice "Active Listening" where you reflect their feelings back to them ("It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed") instead of immediately trying to solve the problem.
- Set a boundary for yourself so you don't become their only source of validation, which is a recipe for a co-dependent disaster.