Let’s be real for a second. Most of what we think we know about anal sex comes from porn, and porn is basically a lie when it comes to biology. In those videos, everything happens fast. There’s no prep. There’s definitely no discussion of fiber or pelvic floor relaxation. But in the real world? If you just "go for it" without a plan, it's probably going to hurt, and you might not want to try it ever again. That’s a shame, because when you actually learn how to do anal the right way, it’s one of the most intense ways to experience pleasure.
The anatomy involved is sensitive. It's complex.
The anus is surrounded by two main muscles: the internal and external sphincters. The internal one is involuntary—you can't consciously tell it to relax. The external one is the one you "clench." If these two aren't on the same page, you're fighting against your own body. That’s where the "pain" comes from. It isn't just "part of the process." It’s a signal that your muscles are guarding.
Why prep is actually 90% of the work
You can’t just skip to the main event. Honestly, the biggest mistake people make is treating the anus like it’s just another version of a vagina. It isn't. It doesn't self-lubricate, and it's designed to keep things in, not let things in.
First off, let’s talk about the "cleanliness" factor. This is what stresses most people out. You don't necessarily need a full medical-grade enema, but many people feel more confident after using a simple bulb syringe with lukewarm water. Just don't overdo it. The rectum has a delicate microbiome, and flushing it out too aggressively can lead to irritation or even infection. Dr. Evan Goldstein, a surgeon who specializes in anal health, often points out that the goal is comfort, not sterilization.
Then there's the relaxation. If you’re nervous, your sphincters will tighten up like a fist.
Take a long bath. Breathe. The "deep belly breathing" technique used in yoga is actually perfect here because it physically pushes the pelvic floor downward and open. If you can’t relax your mind, your butt isn't going to relax either. It’s all connected.
The lube conversation (and why yours probably sucks)
If you think a "little bit" of lube is enough, you’re wrong. You need more. Then, when you think you have enough, add more.
But the type matters more than the amount. Most people grab whatever is in the drawer, which is often a water-based lube filled with glycerin or parabens. The problem? The tissue inside the rectum is highly absorbent. Water-based lubes dry out quickly, and if they have high osmolality (a fancy word for concentration), they can actually suck moisture out of your cells, leading to micro-tears.
- Silicone-based lube: This is the gold standard for anal. It stays slippery forever and won't absorb into the skin. Just don't use it with silicone toys, or they'll degrade.
- Hybrid lubes: These give you the longevity of silicone with the easy cleanup of water.
- What to avoid: Coconut oil is popular but it can degrade latex condoms. Also, avoid anything with "tingling" or "numbing" agents.
Numbing creams are dangerous. Seriously. Pain is your body’s way of saying "stop, you’re tearing something." If you numb the area, you might cause a fissure or a tear and not even know it until the cream wears off and you're in the emergency room. Avoid them like the plague.
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How to do anal: The slow-motion approach
Speed is the enemy of pleasure here.
Start with a finger. Maybe even just a finger near the opening. You want to "knock on the door" before you try to walk in. Use a generous amount of lube and gently massage the external sphincter. This sends a signal to the brain that "hey, something is happening, and it's okay."
Once the external muscle relaxes, you can slowly—and I mean slowly—insert a well-manicured finger.
The "Push Out" Trick
This sounds counterintuitive, but it works. When something is trying to enter the anus, your natural instinct is to pull in. Instead, try to bear down slightly, like you’re having a bowel movement. This action actually forces the internal sphincter to open up. It creates a "window" for entry.
Communication is non-negotiable. "Stop," "Slow down," and "Wait" should be used freely. If the person on the receiving end feels a sharp poke or a stinging sensation, pull back. It’s not a race. Sometimes you might spend 20 minutes just getting used to the sensation of a single finger before you even think about moving to a toy or a partner.
Positions that actually work for beginners
Not all positions are created equal.
Doggy style is the most common one people try, but it’s actually one of the hardest for beginners. Why? Because the person receiving has zero control over the depth or the angle. If the person behind you thrusts too hard, it’s game over.
- Cowgirl/Cowboy (On top): This is the best way to start. The person receiving has total control. They can lower themselves onto their partner at their own pace, stop when they need to, and control the angle of entry.
- Spoonings: This is great because it’s intimate and allows for easy access without a lot of gymnastics. It also keeps things relatively shallow, which is better for a first time.
- The Pillow Prop: Laying on your stomach with a pillow under your hips tilts the pelvis in a way that aligns the rectum more naturally for entry.
The "Day After" and Long-term Health
Let’s talk about the aftermath. A little bit of soreness? Normal. A little bit of "fullness" feeling? Also normal. But if there is significant bleeding or sharp, stabbing pain that lasts more than a few hours, you might have a small fissure.
Fissures are tiny tears in the lining. They usually heal on their own with sitz baths and high-fiber diets, but they are a sign you went too fast or didn't use enough lube. To keep things healthy long-term, focus on your diet. Fiber is your best friend. Supplements like psyllium husk keep things "moving" cleanly, which makes the prep work much easier the next time you decide to have some fun.
Specific tools and toys to help
If you're nervous about a partner, try a butt plug. They are tapered, meaning they start small and get wider. This training helps the muscles get used to the sensation of being "full" without the unpredictability of a human partner.
- Glass toys: Non-porous, easy to clean, and can be warmed up in water.
- Silicone plugs: Flexible and body-safe.
- Avoid: Anything without a flared base. The rectum can literally "suck" things in, and if there isn't a wide base to stop it, you're going to have a very awkward conversation with a doctor.
Actionable steps for your first time
Don't just wing it. If you want this to be a good experience, follow a sequence that respects your anatomy.
Step 1: The Solo Run. Try it by yourself first. Use a finger or a small toy in the shower. Getting to know your own body's "stop" and "go" signals without the pressure of a partner is a game changer.
Step 2: Buy the right lube. Get a high-quality silicone lube like Uberlube or Swiss Navy. It’s worth the extra ten dollars.
Step 3: Focus on the breath. Practice that belly breathing. When you feel the "clench" happen, inhale deep into your stomach and visualize the muscles dropping.
Step 4: Set the mood. This isn't just about candles. It’s about feeling safe. If you're worried about the kids waking up or the door being unlocked, you won't be able to relax your pelvic floor.
Step 5: The "Two-Way" Communication. Establish a "yellow light" and "red light" system. Yellow means "slow down/hold still," and red means "get out now." This gives the receiver the psychological safety needed to actually enjoy the sensation.
Ultimately, learning how to do anal is about patience. It’s a skill, not just a physical act. Treat your body with a bit of respect, take it slow, and don't be afraid to stop if it’s just not clicking that day. There’s always next time.