You've heard it in old movies. Maybe at your grandmother's renewal of vows. The words love obey and honour usually hit the ear like a record scratch in 2026. Most people think of it as a relic, something dusty and frankly a bit sexist, left over from a time when women were basically legal property. But if you look at the data coming out of niche marriage retreats and even some modern liturgical shifts, there is a weird, quiet resurgence of couples actually choosing these specific words. Not because they want to go back to 1950, but because they’re looking for a kind of radical commitment that "partnership" doesn't quite capture for them.
It's complicated.
Language shifts. In the original 1549 Book of Common Prayer, that "obey" was a central pillar. It wasn't just about doing what you're told; it was about a social contract that kept the gears of a household turning when life was, honestly, much more brutal than it is now. Today, when a couple stands at the altar and chooses to keep those words in, it usually triggers a whisper in the back pews. Is she serious? Is this a joke? Usually, it's neither.
The Messy History of Love Obey and Honour
To understand why anyone still cares about this, you have to look at the 1662 version of the Anglican marriage service. The man promised to love, cherish, and worship (yes, worship) his wife. The woman promised to love obey and honour her husband. It was a trade-off. It wasn't exactly equal by our standards, but it was structured.
Then came 1928. The Church of England finally decided that "obey" could be optional. It was a massive deal at the time. Lady Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon—the future Queen Mother—famously kept it in when she married the Duke of York in 1923. It was a statement of tradition. Fast forward to 1981, and Lady Diana Spencer made headlines by stripping it out. She was 20 years old and decided she wasn't going to promise to "obey" Prince Charles. That single choice basically killed the requirement for the modern era. Catherine Middleton and Meghan Markle followed suit. The "obey" part seemed dead.
But it didn't stay dead.
In some circles, especially within Complementarian theology—which you'll find in many Southern Baptist or Reformed circles—the idea of love obey and honour is viewed as a "divine order." They argue it isn't about inferiority. Instead, they frame it as a functional hierarchy. Think of it like a ship. Two captains sink the boat. One person leads, the other supports, and both are equally valuable to the mission. Whether you buy that or not, thousands of people living in modern suburban houses subscribe to it every day.
Why "Obey" is the Word That Breaks the Brain
We hate the word. Seriously. In a culture built on individual autonomy and "living your best life," the idea of obeying another human being feels like a betrayal of the self. However, some relationship experts, like those influenced by the work of the Gottman Institute (though they use different terminology), note that "accepting influence" from a partner is the number one predictor of a stable marriage.
Now, "accepting influence" is a very polite, clinical way of saying you sometimes do what the other person wants even when you don't want to.
Is that the same as the love obey and honour vow? Not exactly. But for some, the old-school vow is just a more honest, "metal" way of saying they are all-in. They aren't looking for a 50/50 split. They’re looking for a 100/100 surrender. It’s a paradox. By "obeying," some practitioners claim they find a weird kind of freedom because they’ve stopped fighting for control.
I’ve talked to women who chose this vow. One told me, "It's not about him telling me what to wear. It's about me trusting his leadership so I don't have to carry the mental load of every single executive decision." It’s a controversial take. Critics, like feminist theologian Rosemary Radford Ruether, have argued for decades that these power imbalances naturally lead to abuse. And they aren't wrong to worry. History is littered with the wreckage of "obey" being used as a shield for domestic tyranny.
The Honour Component
We talk a lot about love. We talk a lot about obey. We almost never talk about "honour."
What does it actually mean to honour someone in 2026? It’s more than just liking them. It’s about holding them in high regard even when they’re being a total jerk. It’s about protecting their reputation in public. If you’re at a bar with your friends and you start trashing your spouse, you aren't honouring them.
The love obey and honour triad is actually quite heavy on the "honour" side. In the original context, to honour meant to recognize the other person’s inherent dignity and status. In a modern marriage, this looks like:
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- Never making them the punchline of a joke.
- Prioritizing their needs when they’re at their weakest.
- Valuing their opinion in front of the kids.
- Keeping their secrets.
The Cultural Divide: Traditionalism vs. Egalitarianism
There is a massive split here. On one side, you have the egalitarian camp. They believe that any hint of "obey" is toxic. They prefer "love, cherish, and partner." They argue that a marriage is a friendship of equals. This is the dominant view in the West. It’s what most of us see on Instagram and in TV shows.
On the other side, there’s a growing "TradWife" and traditionalist movement. You’ve seen the reels. Floral dresses, sourdough starters, and a very vocal commitment to love obey and honour. Some of it is aesthetic. Some of it is a reactionary response to the burnout of the "girlboss" era. People are tired. They want a structure, even if that structure is old-fashioned.
The risk here is romanticizing the past. People forget that when these vows were written, women couldn't own property or vote. The "obey" wasn't a romantic choice; it was a legal necessity for survival. When we strip away the historical context and just keep the words, we're playing with a very sharp tool. It can carve out a beautiful, structured life, or it can cut you.
How to Handle These Vows Today (If You Must)
If you're actually considering using love obey and honour in your wedding, you need to have a very long, very uncomfortable conversation first. You can't just wing this. You have to define what "obey" means in your specific house.
Does it mean he gets the final say on the mortgage?
Does it mean she follows his lead on where to live?
What happens if his "leadership" is objectively bad?
Most modern couples who use these vows actually bake in a lot of "safety valves." They interpret "obey" as a tie-breaker. If they can’t agree after hours of talking, someone has the "vote" to move forward. It’s a pragmatic solution to deadlock. But honestly, if you don’t have deep, foundational trust, these words will become a cage very quickly.
Actionable Steps for Modern Couples
Forget the labels for a second. Whether you use the words love obey and honour or something completely modern, the mechanics of a successful long-term relationship usually require the same things.
Define the Terms. Don't assume you know what "honour" means to your partner. Sit down and write out five ways you feel honoured and five ways you feel disrespected. You'll be surprised how different your lists are. One person might feel honoured by a clean house; another might feel honoured by being asked for their opinion on a work project.
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The 24-Hour Rule. If you are leaning into the "obey" or "submission" aspect of traditional vows, implement a cooling-off period. No "executive decisions" should be made in the heat of an argument. If the "leader" makes a call, it has to stand the test of a 24-hour reflection period.
Audit Your Communication. Use tools like the "Daily Check-in." Ask: "What can I do to make you feel more cherished today?" This bridges the gap between the old-fashioned duty of the vows and the modern need for emotional intimacy.
Recognize the Power Dynamics. If you choose a traditional structure, be hyper-aware of the financial side. Traditional vows often go hand-in-hand with one partner staying home. Ensure the "obeying" partner has full access to accounts and legal protection. Security is the prerequisite for healthy submission.
Focus on the "Cherish." In almost every version of these vows, "cherish" is the counterpart. If you're going to use the heavy words, you have to lean twice as hard into the soft ones. You can't have the authority without the overwhelming affection and care that's supposed to justify it.
At the end of the day, marriage is a private contract. If two consenting adults decide that a love obey and honour framework makes them happy, that’s their business. The trouble only starts when the words are used to skip the hard work of actual communication. Vows are a compass, not a script. You still have to navigate the woods yourselves.