It’s heavy. It’s quiet. Maybe the room feels like it’s vibrating, or maybe everything has gone completely numb. If you are reading this because my bf hit me is the only thought looping in your brain right now, you need to know something immediately: your brain is likely in a state of shock. Shock isn't just a feeling; it is a physiological shutdown where your prefrontal cortex—the part that makes logic-based decisions—is being hijacked by your amygdala. You aren't "crazy" for feeling confused. You aren't "weak" for not knowing what to do next.
Physical violence in a relationship is a boundary that, once crossed, changes the molecular structure of the partnership. It’s a terrifying shift. One minute you’re arguing about the dishes or a text message, and the next, the person who is supposed to be your safe harbor has become the source of your physical pain. It’s jarring. It’s wrong.
The Immediate Physical Reality After He Hits You
Your safety is the only metric that matters right now. If he is still in the room, or still in the house, your goal isn't "resolution." It isn't "talking it out." It is distance. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, the period immediately following an act of violence is often the most volatile because emotions are red-lining.
If you have visible injuries, take photos. Now. I know that feels cold and clinical. It feels like you’re betraying the love you have for him. But bruises fade, and memories get hazy when the "honeymoon phase" of the cycle of violence kicks back in. You need a record of the truth that exists outside of your own head. Go to a mirror. Use a phone. Get clear shots of any marks, redness, or torn clothing.
Medical Concerns You Can't See
Sometimes the damage isn't a black eye. If he choked you—or "put his hands around your neck," as many people describe it to minimize the event—you need to see a doctor. This isn't optional. Medical experts like those at the Training Institute on Strangulation Prevention point out that internal damage to the neck can cause strokes or blood clots days or even weeks after the incident. Even if you don't have a single mark on your neck, the internal pressure can be lethal. Tell the triage nurse exactly what happened. Use the words. "My boyfriend tried to strangle me."
Understanding Why "My BF Hit Me" Happens
Let's get one thing straight: he didn't "lose control." This is a hard truth to swallow. We want to believe it was a momentary lapse, a "snap" caused by stress or alcohol. But domestic violence experts, including the late Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?, argue that violence is actually a tool for control.
Think back to the incident. Did he break his phone, or yours? Did he punch a wall next to your head, or did he hit you where the marks wouldn't show? If there is a pattern to the "loss of control," it isn't a loss of control at all. It is a choice.
Abuse is about power. It’s about setting a new rule in the relationship: "If you push me too far, I will hurt you." Once that rule is established, he doesn't even have to hit you again to control you. The threat of the hit does the work for him. It's a heavy weight to carry. It's exhausting.
The Cycle of Violence
Most people don't stay in abusive relationships because they like being hit. They stay because of what happens after the hit.
- The Reconciliation: He cries. He says he’s never felt so terrible. He blames the work stress, his childhood, or the fact that you "knew exactly how to push his buttons."
- The Calm: Things get better than they’ve been in months. He’s attentive. He buys flowers. He’s the man you fell in love with.
- The Tension Building: The walking-on-eggshells feeling returns. You start monitoring his mood. You stop seeing your friends so he doesn't get jealous.
- The Incident: The cycle repeats.
If you find yourself thinking, "But he's so sweet 90% of the time," remember that a glass of water with only 10% arsenic is still poisonous.
Navigating the Emotional Fog
You're probably feeling a weird mix of rage, protective love for him, and deep shame. The shame is a liar. The shame belongs to the person who swung their hand, not the person who received the blow.
Society often asks, "Why doesn't she just leave?" as if it’s as simple as picking up a set of keys. They don't account for the "trauma bond." This is a real psychological phenomenon where the victim develops a deep sense of loyalty to the abuser because the abuser is also the one providing the comfort after the trauma. It’s a chemical addiction to the highs and lows. Your brain is literally flooded with dopamine during the makeup sessions, which makes the "lows" of the violence feel like a price worth paying.
When to Call for Help
If you’re scared to call 911 because you don't want him to go to jail, that's a common feeling. But you can call a hotline without involving the police immediately. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) is staffed by people who won't judge you if you say you still love him. They can help you build a "Safety Plan."
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A safety plan is basically a "go-bag" for your life. It includes:
- A place to stay that he doesn't know about.
- Copies of important documents (ID, birth certificate, social security card).
- A secret stash of cash.
- A "code word" for your best friend or neighbor that means "call the police, I'm in trouble."
The Myth of the "One-Time Thing"
Is it possible for someone to hit their partner once and never do it again? Statistically, it's incredibly rare. Violence tends to escalate, not de-escalate, unless there is massive, long-term intervention like specialized batterer intervention programs—not just "anger management." Anger management is for people who get mad at traffic. Abuse is for people who want to dominate their partners. They are not the same thing.
If he hasn't taken full, radical accountability—meaning no blaming you, no blaming the gin, no blaming the boss—the chances of it happening again are nearly 100%.
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Taking Your Next Steps
The hours after an assault are about survival and clarity. You do not have to decide if you are breaking up forever right this second, but you do need to protect your future self.
- Document everything. Save texts where he apologizes for "what happened." Take photos of your skin, even if the marks are faint.
- Tell one person. Isolation is the abuser's best friend. Tell a sister, a friend, or a doctor. Just one person who can hold the truth for you when you start to doubt your own memory.
- Change your passwords. If he has access to your phone or your location, he can track your movements. Turn off "Find My Friends" or similar apps.
- Find a safe "Third Space." Whether it's a library, a coffee shop, or a shelter, find a place where you can sit and think without him looking over your shoulder.
- Call a professional. Reach out to a domestic violence advocate. They have resources for legal aid, housing, and counseling that the general public doesn't even know exist.
You are currently navigating one of the most difficult experiences a human being can go through. Your instincts got you this far—listen to them now. If that "gut feeling" is telling you that things are getting dangerous, believe it. Your body knows the truth before your heart is ready to accept it.