If you spend ten minutes scrolling through TikTok or eavesdropping at a coffee shop, you’ll hear it. The vibe has shifted. People are not getting married today at rates that would have made our grandparents faint. It isn't just a "lazy millennial" thing or a "cynical Gen Z" trend either. It’s a massive, structural overhaul of how we view adulthood, companionship, and the legalities of love.
Marriage used to be the starting line. Now? It’s more like a finish line—or a race people have decided they don't even want to run.
Honestly, the numbers back up the gut feeling. According to the Pew Research Center, the share of U.S. adults who are currently married has dropped significantly over the last few decades. In 1960, about 72% of adults were hitched. By 2022, that number sat closer to 50%. But it’s not that people are lonely. They’re just doing things differently. They’re "living in sin" (as the old-timers say) or staying single by choice. It's a whole new world.
The Financial Reality of Skipping the Vows
Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Money.
Getting married is expensive, but being married is a whole other financial beast. The average wedding in the U.S. now hovers around $30,000 to $35,000 depending on who you ask (The Knot usually has the most granular data on this). For someone carrying $50k in student loans, that’s not a party; it’s a fiscal nightmare.
But it goes deeper than just the party. There’s the "marriage penalty" in taxes that hits certain income brackets. There’s the terrifying prospect of a messy divorce cleaning out your 401(k). Many people are not getting married today because they simply can't afford the risk.
Think about it.
If you’re a 30-year-old freelancer with no health insurance and a fluctuating income, the idea of legally binding your debt and assets to another person feels... risky. Maybe even reckless. People are prioritizing home ownership or emergency funds over a legal certificate. They’re cohabitating for years, sharing a Netflix account and a dog, but keeping their bank accounts strictly separated. It’s practical. It’s survival.
The Rise of the "Commitment-First" Relationship
Some folks think that if you aren't married, you aren't "serious."
That's a lie.
We’re seeing a rise in what sociologists call "LAT" relationships—Living Apart Together. You’re fully committed, you’re exclusive, you might even have kids, but you have your own space. You keep your autonomy. It sounds wild to traditionalists, but for many, it's the secret to not hating your partner after five years. You don't have to argue about who left the dishes in the sink if you have two different sinks in two different zip codes.
Why Not Getting Married Today Is a Power Move for Women
Historically, marriage wasn't always about love. It was a transfer of property.
For women, the "choice" to stay single or unmarried is a relatively new luxury in the grand scheme of human history. Until the 1970s, it was famously difficult for a woman in the U.S. to get a credit card or a mortgage without a male co-signer. Now? Women are outearning men in many urban centers and graduating college at higher rates.
When you don't need a marriage for financial stability, the bar for a partner goes way up.
Economist Bella DePaulo, author of Singled Out, has spent years researching the "Single at Heart" phenomenon. She argues that many people actually flourish more when they aren't part of a legal couple. They have broader social networks. They're more involved in their communities. They aren't "waiting" for life to begin; they’re living it.
The pressure to "settle down" feels more like an invitation to "settle" for less than you deserve. So, women are just... not. They're building "mommcommunes" or living with best friends. They're realizing that a legal document doesn't actually guarantee emotional safety.
Divorce is a Great Teacher
We can't talk about not getting married today without mentioning that we are the children of the Great Divorce Boom.
We saw our parents go through the ringer. We saw the lawyers, the crying in the kitchen, the selling of the family home at a loss. That leaves a mark. When you've seen a "forever" contract get shredded, you start to wonder if the contract was the problem in the first place.
If love is the goal, why involve the government?
The Secularization of the "I Do"
Religion used to be the glue holding the institution of marriage together. If you were a "good" Christian, Jew, or Muslim, marriage was the only path to a "legitimate" life.
But as secularism rises, that glue is failing.
Without the religious imperative, marriage becomes a lifestyle choice. Like choosing to be a vegan or a marathon runner. It's something you can do, but it's not the default setting for a meaningful existence. For a lot of people, a commitment ceremony or a simple private pact feels more "real" than a ceremony performed by a stranger in a building they never visit.
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Legal Alternatives and the "Common Law" Myth
One thing people get wrong is the "Common Law Marriage" stuff.
Many people think if they live together for seven years, they’re "basically married" in the eyes of the law. In most U.S. states, that is 100% false. Only a handful of states (like Colorado, Texas, and Iowa) recognize common law marriage, and even then, you have to "hold yourselves out" as married.
If you’re not getting married today, you actually have to be proactive about your legal rights.
- Medical Power of Attorney: If you’re in a car wreck, your partner might not be allowed in the ICU without this.
- Wills and Trusts: Without a marriage certificate, your "spouse" of 20 years might get nothing if you pass away.
- Cohabitation Agreements: This is like a "prenup for people who aren't getting married." It outlines who gets the sofa and the cat if things go south.
It’s less romantic than a diamond ring, sure. But it’s a lot more effective at protecting your life.
The Career Factor
In the 1950s, a "company man" was expected to have a wife who handled the domestic labor so he could focus on the climb.
Today’s economy demands mobility.
If a dream job opens up in Berlin, and you’re married to someone with a career in Chicago, someone has to sacrifice. Usually, the marriage suffers. Being unmarried allows for a level of professional pivot that a traditional family structure sometimes stifles. It’s not selfish; it’s adaptive. We are living in a gig economy that values flexibility over tradition.
What Most People Get Wrong About Being Single
There’s this persistent myth that if you’re not getting married today, you’re going to end up as a "cat lady" or a "lonely bachelor."
It’s actually the opposite.
Research shows that married people often "couple-collapse." They stop hanging out with friends. They neglect their siblings. They become an island of two. Unmarried people, on the other hand, tend to be the "social glue" of their neighborhoods. They are the ones showing up for friends' birthdays, volunteering, and maintaining the threads of modern society.
Being unmarried doesn't mean being alone. It often means having a wider circle of love than just one person.
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Actionable Steps for the "Un-Married" Life
If you’ve decided that marriage isn’t for you—or at least isn't for you right now—you can't just wing it. You need a plan to ensure your partnership (or your solo life) is as stable as a legal marriage would be.
1. Fix your paperwork. Do not wait until a crisis. Get a lawyer to draft a durable power of attorney and a healthcare proxy. This ensures your partner has the legal standing to make decisions for you if you’re incapacitated.
2. Audit your finances. If you’re buying a house together, don't just put both names on the deed and hope for the best. Create a "Joint Purchase Agreement." This document specifies what happens if you break up—who buys whom out, and how the equity is split. It sounds cold, but it’s the ultimate act of love to not screw each other over later.
3. Define your own rituals. One reason people miss marriage is the "rite of passage" aspect. You don't need a priest to have a ritual. Throw a "commitment party" or a "friendship housewarming." Celebrate your milestones. Just because there's no license doesn't mean it didn't happen.
4. Be honest with your partner. The biggest trap is one person wanting marriage and the other "waiting it out." If you are committed to not getting married today, say it. Clearly. Frequently. Make sure you’re both building the same house on the same foundation.
Marriage is a choice, not a requirement. Whether you’re staying single to focus on your career, or you’re in a 20-year "partnership" that will never involve a courthouse, you’re part of the new normal. The "happily ever after" isn't a one-size-fits-all anymore. It’s whatever you decide to build for yourself, on your own terms, without needing a signature from the state to make it valid.