It starts as a whisper. Maybe a spouse mentions the recycling bin is getting a bit loud on Monday mornings. Then a friend makes a joke about how you "really go for it" at happy hour. Eventually, it feels like a chorus. When people say I've got a drinking problem, it usually triggers an immediate, defensive reflex. You start counting your drinks in your head. You compare yourself to that one guy who loses his job or drinks vodka for breakfast. "I’m not that guy," you tell yourself. "I’m fine."
But here’s the thing. Defensive reactions are rarely the sign of someone who is totally at peace with their habits.
If you're hearing this from the people who actually know you—the ones who see you when the Instagram filters are off—it's worth a look. Alcohol use exists on a massive, messy spectrum. It isn't just "sober" or "homeless under a bridge." There is a vast, gray area in the middle called Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD), and most people living in it are holding down jobs, paying mortgages, and convinced they don't have a problem because they haven't hit a "rock bottom" yet.
The Gap Between Your Reality and Theirs
Why is there such a disconnect? Usually, it's because you are measuring your drinking by your intentions, while everyone else is measuring it by your impact. You intended to only have two. You intended to be home by nine. You intended to be present for the movie. But they saw the glazed eyes, the third glass being poured when no one was looking, and the way you snapped at a simple question the next morning because your head was thumping.
Dr. George Koob, the director of the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA), often talks about the "dark side" of addiction—not just the high, but the emotional cliff that follows. If you find that you’re drinking just to feel "normal" or to quiet the noise of people’s concerns, the balance has already shifted. It’s no longer about a crisp craft beer or a nice vintage; it’s about brain chemistry.
Honestly, the term "alcoholic" is kind of outdated in clinical settings. Doctors now use a sliding scale for AUD. You might be "mild," "moderate," or "severe." If you meet just two of the eleven criteria laid out in the DSM-5 (the big manual psychiatrists use), you technically have a disorder.
Some of those criteria are sneakily simple. Do you spend a lot of time getting, using, or recovering from alcohol? Have you wanted to cut down but couldn't? Has your drinking—or being sick from drinking—often interfered with taking care of your home or family? If you’re nodding, even a little bit, then the people saying you have a problem aren't just being "judgy." They are seeing the symptoms before you are.
When "High Functioning" Becomes a Trap
There is this massive myth that if you’re successful, you can’t have a drinking problem. We see it in the "Wine Mom" culture and the high-powered executive who needs a Scotch to "wind down." But being a high-functioning drinker is just a stage, not a permanent status.
I’ve seen people maintain the facade for years. They hit their numbers at work. They make it to the kid’s soccer games. But they are essentially "white-knuckling" their way through the day until the clock hits 5:00 PM. This is exhausting. It takes an incredible amount of mental energy to manage a drinking habit while pretending you don't have one. You’re essentially working a second, unpaid job as a professional liar.
The danger here is that your "functioning" status becomes a shield. When people say I've got a drinking problem, you point to your paycheck or your clean house as evidence of their insanity. But "functioning" is not a type of alcoholic; it’s a phase of the disease. Eventually, the body or the bank account or the marriage gives out.
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Signs You’re Negotiating with Yourself
If you find yourself making "rules" for your drinking, you’re already in deep water. Think about it. People who don't have a problem with alcohol don't need rules. They don't say, "I'll only drink on days that start with T," or "I'll only drink beer, no hard liquor tonight."
- The Pre-Game: You drink before the party so you don't look like you're drinking too much at the party.
- The Ghosting: You stop hanging out with people who "don't drink enough" or who might call you out.
- The Delayed Hangover: You've started calling it "allergies" or "just being tired" because saying "I'm hungover" five times a month feels too real.
Is It Just "Heavy Drinking" or Something More?
There is a technical difference, though both can be dangerous. According to the CDC, heavy drinking for men is 15 drinks or more per week. For women, it’s 8 or more. That sounds like a lot to some, but to a regular drinker, those numbers are shockingly low. Two glasses of wine a night? You’ve officially hit the "heavy drinker" threshold by Sunday.
The real shift happens when the "want" becomes a "need." This is neurobiology. Alcohol triggers a massive release of dopamine in the reward center of the brain (the nucleus accumbens). Over time, your brain decides that this is the only way to get that reward. It starts pruning back its own natural dopamine receptors. Now, the things that used to make you happy—hobbies, sex, a good meal—feel dull. Only the booze hits the spot.
When your brain reaches this state, your personality changes. You become more irritable. You become more secretive. This is what your friends and family are reacting to. They aren't trying to ruin your fun; they are mourning the person you used to be before the alcohol took the driver's seat.
The Myth of the "Rock Bottom"
We need to kill the idea of the rock bottom. It's a dangerous concept because it suggests you have to wait until you lose everything before you can change. You don't have to wait for a DUI. You don't have to wait for a divorce.
Rock bottom is simply when you decide to stop digging.
If people say I've got a drinking problem, that is a bottom. It's a social and emotional warning shot. If you wait for a physical one—like liver cirrhosis or a car wreck—the road back is a thousand times harder.
What to Do Next
If you’re starting to think they might be right, or even if you just want to prove them wrong, you need a strategy that isn't just "trying harder." Trying harder usually fails because it relies on willpower, and willpower is a finite resource.
1. Take a 30-Day Break
This is the ultimate litmus test. If you can’t go 30 days without a drop, or if those 30 days are filled with constant cravings and misery, you have your answer. Use an app like Reframe or join a community like The Luckiest Club to find people who are doing the same thing.
2. Audit Your Social Circle
Are your friends "drinking buddies" or "friends"? There’s a difference. Drinking buddies are there for the booze. If you stop drinking, they disappear. Real friends will support your break because they actually like you, not just the version of you that buys rounds.
3. Speak to a Professional Who Isn't a Generalist
Your GP is great, but they aren't always experts in addiction. Look for a therapist who specializes in substance use or a recovery coach. They won't judge you; they've heard it all before. They can help you figure out why you're drinking in the first place. Is it anxiety? Boredom? Trauma? You have to fix the "why" or the "how" will never stick.
4. Change Your Vocabulary
Stop saying "I can't drink." It makes you feel deprived. Start saying "I'm not drinking right now." It's a choice, and it's a powerful one. It shifts the narrative from being a "loser who can't handle their liquor" to a person who is taking control of their health.
5. Listen to the Evidence
Look at your phone. Look at your bank statement. Look at the faces of the people you love when you come home after a night out. The data is all there. You don't need a doctor to tell you that something is off. You already know.
Alcohol is the only drug where you have to justify not using it. It’s weird. If you told people you stopped eating sugar because it made you feel like crap, they’d applaud you. Tell them you stopped drinking, and they ask "What's wrong?"
Nothing has to be "wrong" for you to want something better. If the people in your life are speaking up, it's because they see a version of you that is slipping away. You can keep digging, or you can put the shovel down. The choice isn't about giving something up; it's about what you get to gain back—your sleep, your memory, your health, and the trust of the people who were brave enough to tell you the truth.
Actionable Insights for Right Now:
- Download a tracking app: Start logging every single drink. No cheating. Just see the numbers.
- Schedule a "dry" week: Don't make it a lifetime commitment yet. Just seven days to see how your body reacts.
- Have the hard conversation: Sit down with the person who has been most vocal about your drinking. Ask them, "What specifically are you seeing that worries you?" Listen without interrupting or defending yourself.
- Read "This Naked Mind" by Annie Grace: It’s a game-changer for understanding the subconscious pull of alcohol without the shame-heavy approach of some traditional programs.