Words are weird. We use them every day, mostly on autopilot, without realizing that a single three-letter conjunction can dismantle an entire hour of rapport-building. You’ve been there. You're having a great conversation, things are clicking, and then someone says it. "I love your proposal, but..." Everything before that "but" just evaporated. It’s gone. It's the "show me your but" moment in professional communication—that specific point where the real objection, the real hesitation, or the real truth finally comes out.
Honestly? Most people handle this moment completely wrong.
They fear the "but." They try to talk over it. They pretend it didn't happen. But if you're in sales, leadership, or just trying to navigate a tricky Thanksgiving dinner, that pivot point is actually where the real work begins. It’s the gateway to what the other person is actually thinking.
The Psychology of the "But" Erasure
There is a psychological phenomenon often discussed in linguistic circles and high-stakes negotiation training, like the stuff taught by Chris Voss or the late Jim Camp. It’s the idea that the word "but" acts as a cognitive eraser. When you say, "You did a great job on this report, but the formatting is off," the human brain almost entirely discounts the praise. We are hardwired to look for threats. The "but" is the signal that a threat—or at least a correction—is coming.
It’s a pivot.
When someone says show me your but, they are asking for the catch. In a business context, if a deal seems too good to be true, savvy buyers are waiting for that conjunction. They want to see the friction. If you don't provide it, they’ll go looking for it, and they might find something worse than what you were hiding.
I remember sitting in a boardroom in Chicago back in 2019. We were pitching a massive logistics overhaul. The client was nodding. They were smiling. It was going perfectly. Too perfectly. My mentor leaned over and whispered, "They haven't given us the 'but' yet. We're losing." He was right. Because we hadn't hit their actual pain point, they were just being polite until they could leave.
Why We Hide the Catch
We’re conditioned to be people-pleasers. Most of us hate conflict. So, we bury the "but." We use "and" or "however" to try and soften the blow, but the "but" is still there, lurking in the subtext. In high-level negotiations, transparency is a currency. When you proactively "show your but"—meaning you lead with the limitations or the potential downsides—you build a level of trust that "perfect" pitches can never touch.
It’s counterintuitive.
You think you should hide the flaws. Actually, highlighting the specific "but" of your product or service makes the "yes" much stronger.
Moving Beyond the "Yes" Trap
In the book Start with No, Jim Camp argues that "yes" is often a trap. People say yes to get you to stop talking. They say yes because they're afraid to say no. But "but" is the cousin of "no." It’s a soft rejection or a conditional acceptance.
If you want to get to the truth, you have to invite the "but."
How do you do that? You ask for it. "This solution solves your speed issue, but it might be more than your current team can handle. How does that sit with you?" Suddenly, you aren't a salesperson. You’re a consultant. You’ve shown them the "but" before they had to go looking for it in the dark.
The Difference Between "But" and "And"
You’ve probably heard the improv theater rule: "Yes, and..." It’s great for comedy. It keeps the scene moving. In business, it can be a bit of a mask. While "and" adds information, "but" creates a necessary contrast.
- "We can finish by Tuesday, and it will cost $5,000." (Additive)
- "We can finish by Tuesday, but it will cost $5,000." (Contrasting/Conditional)
The second sentence is more honest. It acknowledges the trade-off. We live in a world of trade-offs. Pretending they don't exist is why so many projects fail in the second month.
Show Me Your But: The Art of Tactical Empathy
Chris Voss, the former lead FBI hostage negotiator, talks about "labeling" emotions. This is the advanced version of understanding the "but." When you sense a hesitation, you label it. "It seems like there’s a 'but' here that we haven’t discussed."
It’s a bold move.
Most people are terrified of silence. They want to fill the air with more features, more benefits, more "ands." But the pro knows that the silence after a "but" is where the deal lives.
I once watched a real estate developer close a deal by saying, "I know you love the location, but the taxes here are going to kill your margins if we don't structure this as a lease-back." He put the "but" on the table. He showed it to them. Because he was the one to bring it up, he owned the narrative around it.
Breaking the Pattern
If you want to get better at this, you have to change your internal script. Stop seeing the "but" as a hurdle. See it as the finish line.
- Listen for the "But": When a client is talking, wait for it. Don't interrupt. Let the "but" breathe.
- Validate the "But": Don't try to "overcome" the objection immediately. Acknowledge it. "That makes total sense. If I were in your shoes, that 'but' would worry me too."
- Explore the "But": Ask open-ended questions. "Tell me more about why that specific part concerns you."
This isn't just about sales. It’s about human connection. When your partner says, "I love you, but..." you better stop and listen. That is the most important part of the conversation. Everything else was just the intro.
The Linguistic "But" and the Brain
Neurologically, we process contrast differently than we process pure data. This is why "show me your but" is so effective in marketing. Think about the classic Avis ads: "We're number two, but we try harder."
It’s iconic.
It takes a negative and uses the "but" to pivot to a compelling positive. If they had just said "We try harder," it wouldn't have worked. The "but" gave it weight. It gave it context.
In a world full of "AI-optimized" content and polished corporate speak, people are starving for this kind of raw honesty. They want to know where the edges are. They want to know what the catch is. If you don't show them, they assume the catch is worse than it actually is.
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Real-World Example: The Software Pitch
Imagine you're selling a CRM. It's powerful. It's expensive. It's a pain to set up.
- The Amateur: "Our CRM is the best in the world, and it has 500 features, and everyone loves it."
- The Pro: "Our CRM is incredibly powerful, but honestly, it’s a nightmare to set up for the first three weeks. You're going to hate us for 21 days. But after that, your data will finally be clean for the first time in a decade."
Which one do you trust?
The pro showed the "but." They didn't hide the friction. They used it to build a bridge.
Actionable Steps for Your Next Big Talk
If you’re ready to stop fearing the pivot and start using it, here is how you practically apply this. It’s not about being negative. It’s about being real.
First, audit your own pitches. Look at your emails. How many times are you using "and" to hide a "but"? Change it. Be direct about the limitations.
Next, practice the "But-Label." In your next meeting, when you feel tension, say: "I feel like there's a 'but' coming. What is it?" It sounds aggressive, but if said with a calm, curious tone, it’s a massive relief for the other person. You've given them permission to be honest.
Finally, lead with the "But." This is the ultimate power move. Before they can even think of an objection, bring it up yourself. "This project is going to be amazing, but it’s going to require at least five hours a week from your executive team. Can we commit to that?"
You’ll find that when you show your "but" early, the "yes" that follows is actually worth something. It’s not a polite "yes." It’s a committed "yes."
Stop trying to be perfect. Perfect is boring. Perfect is suspicious. The real magic happens in the contrast, in the friction, and in the honest admission that nothing is ever just "and." Everything has a "but."
Own yours. Show it. Use it to build something that actually lasts.