You’ve been through the cycle before. One minute they’re all in, and the next, it feels like you’re dating a ghost who occasionally texts back. If you’re involved with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, you know the "pull away" is their default setting. But lately, things feel... off. Not bad-off, just different. Maybe they actually answered a "how are you feeling" question without immediately changing the subject to the weather or the local sports scores.
That shift is huge.
When we talk about signs an avoidant is trying, we have to throw out the standard relationship playbook. You can't measure their progress by the same yardstick you’d use for a secure or anxious person. For a dismissive avoidant, "trying" doesn't look like a grand romantic gesture or a tearful late-night confession. It looks like a series of tiny, uncomfortable, and often invisible choices to stay in the room when every instinct they have is screaming at them to run for the hills.
The Myth of the "Fixed" Avoidant
Let’s be real for a second. Avoidants don't wake up one day and suddenly become secure. Attachment styles are deeply wired into the nervous system, often stemming from early childhood environments where being "needy" was seen as a weakness or where caregivers were consistently unavailable. According to Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller in their foundational work Attached, avoidants use "deactivating strategies" to keep people at arm's length.
When they start trying, they aren't deleting those strategies. They’re just learning to ignore them.
It’s exhausting for them. It’s like trying to write with your non-dominant hand while someone watches you. If you’re looking for a sign, look for the struggle. If they seem a bit more tired or stressed than usual while being more present with you, that’s actually a fantastic indicator. They are burning mental calories to fight their own nature.
Subtle Shifts in Communication
One of the most concrete signs an avoidant is trying is the "Consistency Hack." Usually, avoidants use intermittent reinforcement—being hot and cold—to maintain a sense of independence. If they start texting you back in a predictable timeframe, even if the texts are short, they are trying to provide safety.
Think about the "check-in." A typical avoidant might go three days without a word because they needed "space." If they start saying, "Hey, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with work and might be quiet tonight, but I'll call you tomorrow," that is a massive victory. They are communicating the need for space instead of just taking it. This shows they’ve recognized how their absence affects you. They’re prioritizing your peace of mind over their desire to vanish into the void.
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They Stop Using "Deactivating Strategies"
Dr. Stan Tatkin, author of Wired for Love, often discusses how avoidants (or "islands") use specific behaviors to create distance. These include:
- Focusing on your small flaws (the way you chew, a stray hair).
- Obsessing over an "ex-phantom" or an idealized future partner.
- Withholding "I love you" or physical affection when things get too close.
If you notice they’ve stopped nitpicking your personality, take note. When an avoidant leans in, they start accepting your humanity instead of using it as a reason to disqualify you as a partner. They might even admit to a flaw of their own. Honestly, an avoidant saying "I'm sorry I was grumpy earlier" is basically the equivalent of a secure person writing a five-page apology letter.
The Vulnerability Hangover
Have you ever had a great night where you felt truly connected, only for them to be distant the next day? That’s a vulnerability hangover. But a sign they are actually trying is when the "recovery time" from that hangover starts to shrink.
Instead of needing a week to recover from a weekend getaway, maybe they only need an afternoon.
They might also start sharing "low-stakes" vulnerabilities. Maybe they won't tell you about their childhood trauma yet, but they’ll tell you they’re worried about a presentation at work. Or they’ll admit they felt lonely. For someone who views self-reliance as a survival mechanism, admitting to a need—any need—is a sign of immense effort. It’s a crack in the armor.
Taking Ownership of the "Avoidant" Label
This is a big one. Does your partner actually know they are avoidant? If they’ve started reading books like Running on Empty by Jonice Webb or following psychologists like Dr. Nicole LePera (The Holistic Psychologist) on social media, they are doing the work.
But watch out for "intellectualization."
Some avoidants use the label as an excuse: "I'm just avoidant, so you have to deal with me being cold." That’s not trying. That’s stagnation. Real effort looks like them saying: "I know I tend to shut down when we argue, and I'm trying to work on staying present. Give me five minutes to breathe, and I'll come back."
That "coming back" part is the key.
Physical Presence and Lean-In Moments
Body language says what their mouth can't. In a crowded room, does an avoidant partner still check in with you? Or do they act like a free agent? If they are trying, they will make an effort to include you in their social sphere. This might mean finally introducing you to that one friend they’ve kept separate, or simply holding your hand in public when they usually prefer "personal space."
It's also in the "bids for connection." Research by the Gottman Institute shows that healthy relationships rely on responding to small requests for attention. If you say, "Look at that cool bird," and they actually look and engage instead of grunting, they are turning toward you. For an avoidant, every "turn toward" is a conscious choice to lower a shield.
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Handling Conflict Without Leaving
Most avoidants handle conflict by either stonewalling or physically leaving the house. It’s their "Flight" response in action.
A major sign an avoidant is trying is if they stay in the room during a disagreement. They might look uncomfortable. They might even look like they want to crawl out of their skin. But if they are sitting there, listening, and trying to find a resolution instead of slamming the door, they are fighting years of conditioning for you.
Don't expect them to be a master communicator overnight. They might stumble over their words. They might get defensive. But the fact that they haven't ended the relationship over a minor tiff is a sign of newfound resilience.
What to Do When You See the Effort
If you see these signs, your reaction is critical. The worst thing you can do to an avoidant who is trying is to demand more, faster. If they give you an inch and you demand a mile, they will snap back into their shell like a turtle.
You have to reward the small wins without making a big deal out of them. If they share a feeling, don't say, "Finally! You're talking to me!" That feels like a trap. Instead, just listen, validate it simply ("I appreciate you telling me that"), and keep the vibe low-pressure.
Actionable Steps for Navigating This Phase
The road to earned secure attachment is long and winding. Here is how you can practically support the process while protecting your own mental health:
1. Create "Safe Container" Times
Suggest a specific time to talk about "heavy" stuff, rather than springing it on them while they’re watching TV or working. Avoidants hate being blindsided. By giving them a heads-up, you allow them to mentally prepare, which reduces the "trapped" feeling that triggers avoidance.
2. Focus on "We" Language
When discussing relationship improvements, frame it as a team project. "I've noticed we're both trying to communicate better, and I really like how it feels" is much better than "You're finally acting normal."
3. Maintain Your Own Life
The more you focus on your own hobbies, friends, and career, the less "pressure" the avoidant feels. Paradoxically, the less you "need" them to change, the more space they have to actually do it. Your independence is a safety signal to them.
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4. Mirror Their Pacing (Within Reason)
If they take a small step forward, meet them there. Don't leap ten steps ahead. This builds a "rhythm of safety" where they learn that closeness doesn't equal loss of autonomy.
5. Set Boundaries for Your Own Needs
Trying is great, but it isn't a hall pass for bad behavior. You can appreciate their effort while still saying, "I understand you need space, but I need a check-in once a day so I feel secure. Can we find a middle ground?"
Real change in attachment styles is measured in months and years, not days and weeks. If you see the signs an avoidant is trying, acknowledge the courage it takes for them to face the very things that scare them most. It isn't about perfection; it's about the consistent choice to stay. Look for the small cracks in the wall. That’s where the light gets in.