You’re sitting on the couch, scrolling through your phone, and you feel that familiar pit in your stomach. It’s not hunger. It’s that nagging, quiet realization that the person you’re with—the person you’ve defended to your friends and your mom—isn't actually being kind to you. Sometimes it's obvious. Most of the time, it’s a slow erosion of your confidence. If you're looking for signs he treats you badly, you probably already have your answer, but your brain is looking for a reason to stay.
Relationship dynamics are messy. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychological researcher who has spent forty years studying what makes marriages fail or succeed, points to "The Four Horsemen" of relationship collapse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If these are present, you aren't just having a "rough patch." You're being mistreated.
The Subtle Art of Making You Feel Small
He doesn't have to yell to be mean. Honestly, the quietest slights often hurt the most because they're harder to call out without looking "crazy." Maybe he rolls his eyes when you talk about your day. Or perhaps he uses "jokes" to poke at your insecurities. If you tell him it hurts, he says you’re too sensitive. This is a classic deflection.
Clinical psychologists often refer to this as "gaslighting," a term derived from the 1944 film where a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her own reality. It starts small. You remember him saying he’d be home at six; he swears he said eight. You feel hurt by a comment; he tells you that you’re "remembering it wrong." Over time, you stop trusting your own gut. That’s the goal. If you can’t trust yourself, you have to trust him.
Communication as a Weapon
Let's talk about the silent treatment. It’s officially called "stonewalling," and it’s one of the most toxic behaviors in a relationship. When he shuts down, refuses to answer texts, or walks out of the room during a hard conversation, he is punishing you. It’s a power move. By withdrawing affection or even basic acknowledgement, he’s forcing you to apologize just to get him to talk to you again, even if you did nothing wrong.
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Contrast this with healthy conflict. Healthy couples fight. They get loud sometimes. But they don't use silence to torture each other. If he treats you badly, your "discussions" feel less like a bridge to understanding and more like a courtroom where he’s the judge and you’re the defendant.
The Double Standard Trap
Does he get to go out with his friends whenever he wants, but gives you the third degree if you stay late at work? That’s not protection. It’s control. Control often masquerades as "caring." He might say, "I just worry about you being out late," but the subtext is "I don't want you out of my sight."
Real love is built on autonomy. Dr. Sue Johnson, the developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), argues that a secure attachment allows both people to be independent because they know their partner has their back. If you feel like you have to ask for permission to live your life, the balance is broken.
Your Friends See It Before You Do
We’ve all been there. You tell a story about something he did, expecting a laugh, and your best friend just looks at you with that "concerned" face. You immediately start backpedaling. "Oh, he was just tired," or "He’s had a really stressful week."
Stop.
If you have to constantly translate his bad behavior into something palatable for others, you’re doing his emotional labor for him. You shouldn't have to be his PR manager. If your support system is collectively worried about how he treats you, they’re seeing the version of him that isn’t filtered through your rose-colored glasses. Trust their perspective. They aren't the ones being manipulated; you are.
The Physical Toll of Emotional Stress
Your body usually knows before your brain does. Chronic stress from a partner who treats you badly manifests in physical ways. Research from the American Psychological Association (APA) suggests that high-conflict or emotionally abusive relationships can lead to increased cortisol levels, which messes with your sleep, your digestion, and even your immune system.
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Do you feel "light" when he’s gone?
That’s a huge red flag. If his absence feels like a relief—if you can finally breathe, listen to the music you like, or just exist without walking on eggshells—your body is telling you that your environment is toxic.
Financial and Digital Control
In 2026, mistreatment doesn't just happen face-to-face. It happens through your bank account and your phone. If he’s checking your location 24/7 or demanding your passwords, that’s a violation of privacy, not a sign of intimacy. Financial abuse is equally common. He might discourage you from working so you’re "taken care of," but then he uses that financial dependence to keep you stuck. If you have to justify every $10 purchase, he isn't treating you like an equal partner. He’s treating you like a subordinate.
Breaking the Cycle of "He’s Just..."
- "He’s just had a hard childhood."
- "He’s just stressed at work."
- "He’s just not good with words."
Empathy is a beautiful thing, but it shouldn't be a suicide pact for your self-esteem. Lots of people have hard lives and manage not to take it out on the person they love. Using his trauma to justify your mistreatment only ensures that the trauma continues. You cannot love someone into being a better person if they aren't doing the work themselves.
Why Do We Stay?
Intermittent reinforcement is a powerful drug. B.F. Skinner, the famous behaviorist, found that if you give a lab rat a reward every time it presses a lever, it eventually gets bored. But if you give the reward randomly, the rat becomes obsessed.
Relationships where he treats you badly often work the same way. He’s mean for three days, then incredibly sweet for one. That one "good" day gives you a hit of dopamine that keeps you hooked through the next three bad days. You keep waiting for the "real" him to come back. But here’s the hard truth: the mean version is the real him, too.
Taking the Next Steps
Identifying the signs he treats you badly is only the first half of the battle. The second half is the exit strategy or the boundary setting.
First, stop keeping his secrets. Talk to someone you trust—a therapist, a sibling, or a close friend. Isolation is the greatest tool of a partner who mistreats you. When you bring his actions into the light, they lose their power.
Second, start a "truth log." When something happens that makes you feel small or crazy, write it down. Note the date, what he said, and how it made you feel. Later, when he tries to gaslight you and say it never happened, you have your own record. This isn't for him; it’s for you. It’s to help you maintain your grip on reality.
Lastly, assess if the relationship is worth saving. This requires brutal honesty. Can you imagine living like this for the next five, ten, or twenty years? People rarely change their core personality unless they are deeply committed to long-term therapy and self-reflection. If he refuses to acknowledge that his behavior is hurtful, he won't change. You have to decide if his "potential" is worth your actual, real-time misery.
Practical Action Plan
- Safety First: If the mistreatment includes physical threats or extreme control, contact a local domestic violence resource. Organizations like The Hotline provide confidential support and can help you create a safe exit plan.
- Financial Independence: If possible, start a separate savings account. Having even a small "exit fund" can give you the psychological freedom to know you could leave if you wanted to.
- Set One Hard Boundary: Pick one behavior—like the name-calling or the silent treatment—and state your boundary clearly: "If you call me a name during a fight, I will leave the room and we can't talk until you can speak respectfully." If he breaks it, you must follow through. His reaction to your boundary will tell you everything you need to know.
- Reconnect with Your Old Self: Spend time doing the things you loved before you met him. Reclaiming your identity is the fastest way to realize that you are a whole person who deserves to be treated with dignity and consistent kindness.