You’re sitting in yet another Tuesday morning sync, staring at a grid of faces on Zoom or maybe sitting in a stale-smelling conference room, and it hits you. Again. That weird, fluttery, slightly annoying tightness in your chest because the person currently explaining the Q3 projections is just... incredibly charming. Having a crush on a colleague is one of those universal human experiences that people rarely talk about honestly because it’s wrapped in layers of professional paranoia and HR-induced fear.
It's complicated.
Most advice you find online is either way too stiff—"Refer to your employee handbook immediately"—or dangerously reckless, like those rom-coms where someone professes their love during a board meeting and everyone claps. Real life is messy. According to a 2023 survey by the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM), roughly 27% of workers have been or are currently in a workplace romance. That’s more than a quarter of the people you see every day. If you include unrequited crushes, that number likely skyrockets.
The Science of Why You’re Suddenly Into the Person from Accounting
Human brains are basically wired to develop a crush on a colleague. It isn't usually some grand "soulmate" signal from the universe. It’s actually a psychological phenomenon called the propinquity effect. Basically, the more we interact with someone, the more we tend to like them. It's why you don't fall for the random person at the grocery store, but you’re starting to think Dave from IT has a really great laugh. You see Dave every day. You share the same "enemy" (the broken printer). You both survived the 4:00 PM Friday crisis.
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This is what Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and leading expert on the science of love, calls "frustration attraction" mixed with "proximity." When you're under stress, your brain releases dopamine. If you're consistently under stress with the same person, your brain starts associating that dopamine spike with their face. It’s a chemical trick.
Honestly, it’s survival. In our ancestral past, the people we worked with to gather food or build shelter were the only safe options for partners. Today, the "tribe" is just the marketing department. Your amygdala doesn't know the difference between a woolly mammoth hunt and a high-stakes client presentation. It just knows you and that specific person are "in it" together.
Is it Love or Just "Work-Husband" Energy?
There’s a massive difference between a genuine romantic interest and what researchers call the "Work Spouse" dynamic. A 2015 study published in the Communication Studies journal found that these relationships are often purely platonic but provide essential emotional support. You might feel a "crush" because they are the only person who understands why your boss is actually a nightmare.
Don't confuse shared trauma with romantic compatibility.
Ask yourself: If this person worked at a different company and you met them at a bar, would you still be interested? Or is 80% of the attraction based on the fact that they're the only highlight in an otherwise boring eight-hour day? Sometimes, a crush on a colleague is just a coping mechanism for a job you don't actually like.
The Professional "Danger Zone" and Real Risks
We have to be real about the risks. This isn't just about awkwardness at the Christmas party. Depending on where you work, a crush on a colleague can have actual career consequences.
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- Power Imbalances: If one of you reports to the other, stop. Just stop. Nearly every major corporation, from Google to small regional banks, has strict policies against "consensual romantic relationships" between supervisors and subordinates. Look at the 2019 case where McDonald's CEO Steve Easterbrook was fired for a consensual relationship with an employee. If the CEO isn't safe, you aren't either.
- The "Fishbowl" Effect: Once people suspect something, your professional wins get devalued. You didn't get that promotion because you’re a rockstar; you got it because you’re flirting with the director. It’s unfair, it’s often sexist, but it’s a reality of office politics.
- The Breakup Tax: Nobody thinks about the breakup when they’re in the "butterflies" stage. But imagine having to sit three desks away from your ex every single day while they date the new hire.
How to Handle the "Should I Tell Them?" Dilemma
If you’ve decided this isn't just a fleeting fancy, how do you actually move forward without blowing up your life?
First, do a "policy check." Don't ask HR—that’s like asking a cop if it’s okay to speed. Go home, log into the company portal, and search for the "Conflict of Interest" or "Employee Conduct" handbook. Read it. Some companies require you to sign a "Love Contract" (a real thing) that protects the company from sexual harassment lawsuits by confirming the relationship is consensual.
Second, test the waters outside the building.
If you only ever talk about work, you don't have a relationship; you have a collaboration. Try to shift the conversation to something personal. "I'm heading to that new taco place after work, have you been?" If they say "No, sounds cool" and keep typing, take the hint. If they say "Oh, I've wanted to try that, let me know if it's good," that’s a yellow light. If they say "I've been dying to go, want company?" that's your green light.
Keep it low-stakes. Never "confess" your feelings. This isn't a movie. Don't say, "I've had a crush on you for six months." That is high pressure and incredibly awkward if they don't feel the same way. Instead, suggest a casual, non-work activity. If they decline, you have "plausible deniability." You were just being friendly. No harm, no foul.
When the Crush Becomes an Obsession
Sometimes a crush on a colleague turns into something called limerence. This is a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe an involuntary state of intense desire. You’re checking their "active" status on Slack. You’re checking their LinkedIn to see who they’re connecting with. You’re "randomly" walking by the breakroom when you know they get coffee.
This is where it gets unhealthy.
If you find yourself losing sleep or if your productivity is tanking because you’re over-analyzing their punctuation in an email, you need to create "emotional distance."
- Mute them: You don't have to block them, but mute their social media.
- The 5-Minute Rule: Allow yourself five minutes to daydream about them, then force yourself to work on a spreadsheet.
- Change your routine: Go to lunch at a different time. Use the restroom on a different floor.
Navigating the Aftermath: If it Works (or Doesn't)
Let’s say you beat the odds. You started dating, and it’s going great. You still need a "Workplace Survival Plan."
- Zero PDA: No touching, no "inside jokes" in meetings, no lingering at each other's desks.
- Separate your digital lives: Don't use company Slack or email for romantic messages. IT can, and often does, read those.
- Have an "Exit Strategy": It sounds cynical, but you need to agree on what happens if you break up. Will one of you move departments? How will you handle shared projects?
If the crush is unrequited, or if you date and it ends badly, the goal is "Professional Neutrality." You don't have to be friends, but you must be a colleague. Avoid the urge to vent to other coworkers. Gossip in the office spreads like a virus, and being known as the person who "can't handle a breakup" is a terrible brand to have.
Real-World Wisdom for the Modern Office
The landscape of work has changed. With hybrid models and remote work, a crush on a colleague often happens over Microsoft Teams. This makes it harder to read body language. Digital flirting is risky because it leaves a paper trail. A heart emoji can be interpreted in ten different ways by an HR investigator.
Keep it human, but keep it smart.
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Crushes are a sign that you’re alive and that you have a heart, even in a cubicle. They can make a boring job bearable. But your career is your livelihood. Don't let a temporary spike in oxytocin ruin a decade of professional networking and hard work.
Next Steps for You:
- Audit the Handbook: Spend 15 minutes tonight reading your company’s policy on inter-office dating. Knowledge is your best defense.
- The "Out of Office" Test: Set a goal to have one 10-minute conversation with your crush that has absolutely nothing to do with deadlines, clients, or the boss. If the conversation dies, the crush should too.
- Check Your Stress: Reflect on whether this attraction is about the person or about escaping a high-pressure environment. Sometimes a vacation is a better cure for a crush than a date.