You’re probably tired of hearing about "mindset shifts." Every self-help guru on the internet wants to sell you a 10-step plan to happiness, but most of it feels like fluff. Then there’s the Courage to Be Disliked audiobook. It’s different. It doesn't feel like a lecture; it feels like an intervention.
Written by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, this isn't your standard Western psychology book. It’s a deep dive into Adlerian psychology, framed as a five-night conversation between a cynical young man and a wise philosopher. If you’ve ever felt like your past is a heavy anchor dragging behind you, or if you’re constantly paralyzed by what your coworkers think of your new shoes, this is the one you need to hear.
Honestly, listening to it is a bit like eavesdropping on a therapy session that gets way too real.
What’s the Big Deal with Adlerian Psychology?
Most of us grew up on Freud. We think our childhood traumas or that one mean teacher in third grade "caused" us to be shy or anxious today. Kishimi and Koga argue that’s total nonsense. They call it "teleology"—the study of the purpose of a given phenomenon, rather than its cause.
Essentially, the Courage to Be Disliked audiobook posits that you aren’t "suffering" from your past. You are using your past to achieve a certain goal in the present. If you stay shut in your room because of "past trauma," the philosopher would say you are actually choosing to stay inside to avoid the risk of being hurt by others in the now. It’s a tough pill to swallow. It’s almost offensive at first. You might find yourself arguing with the narrator just like the young man in the book does.
Alfred Adler was a contemporary of Freud and Jung, but his ideas were far more radical. He believed in "individual psychology," where "individual" means "indivisible." You can’t split the mind and body, or the conscious and unconscious. You are one unit, moving toward a goal.
Why the Audiobook Format Hits Different
Reading the text is fine, but the Courage to Be Disliked audiobook adds a layer of drama that makes the philosophy stick. Because the book is written as a dialogue, it naturally lends itself to audio. You have two distinct voices: the philosopher, who is calm, patient, and slightly annoying in his certainty, and the youth, who is angry, skeptical, and basically represents all of us.
- The youth asks the questions you’re thinking.
- He gets frustrated when the philosopher says something "impossible."
- He pushes back against the idea that "happiness is a choice."
Listening to their back-and-forth while you’re driving or doing the dishes makes the abstract concepts feel grounded. You start to realize that the youth isn't just a character; he’s the personification of our collective resistance to taking 100% responsibility for our lives.
The Separation of Tasks: The Secret to Sanity
If you take nothing else away from the Courage to Be Disliked audiobook, let it be the "Separation of Tasks." This is the core of Adlerian thought. Basically, most of our interpersonal stress comes from intruding on other people's tasks or letting them intrude on ours.
Think about it. If you’re worried about whether your boss likes your presentation, you’re trying to perform their task. Your task is to do the best presentation possible. Their task is to decide whether they like it. You have zero control over their brain. Zero.
When you finally realize that "what other people think of me is none of my business," a weird kind of peace sets in. It’s not about being a jerk. It’s about realizing that you can’t carry the weight of everyone else’s judgment. It’s exhausting and, frankly, impossible.
The philosopher explains that even if someone dislikes you, that’s their task. It has nothing to do with you. This is why the book is called The Courage to Be Disliked. To be truly free, you have to be okay with the fact that some people won’t "get" you. In fact, if nobody dislikes you, you’re probably living your life for others rather than yourself.
Breaking Down the "All Problems are Interpersonal" Theory
Adler famously claimed that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. If you were the only person in the universe, you wouldn't feel short, ugly, poor, or unsuccessful. Those are all relative terms that only exist because other people exist.
This sounds like a "no duh" moment, but it goes deeper. The Courage to Be Disliked audiobook explains that we use "inferiority complexes" as excuses. We say, "I can’t get married because I’m too short," or "I can’t start a business because I don’t have an MBA." Adler calls this the "apparent law of cause and effect." It’s a lie we tell ourselves to avoid the "task of work" or the "task of love."
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Real inferiority is just a feeling of "not being enough," which can actually be a healthy trigger to improve. But an inferiority complex is when you use that feeling as an excuse to stop trying. It’s a shield.
The Myth of Trauma
This is the most controversial part of the book. The authors argue that trauma does not exist.
Wait. Before you throw your phone, let’s look at what they actually mean. They aren't saying bad things don't happen. They are saying that no experience is a cause of our success or failure. We don't suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead, we make out of them whatever suits our purposes.
"No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining."
This is a massive shift from the victim narrative that is so prevalent today. It’s incredibly empowering, but it’s also terrifying because it takes away your favorite excuses. If your past doesn't define you, then you have no choice but to face the present.
Vertical vs. Horizontal Relationships
Most of us live in "vertical" relationships. We see people as being "above" or "below" us. We praise children (top-down) or we seek approval from bosses (bottom-up). Adlerian psychology suggests we should strive for "horizontal" relationships.
In a horizontal relationship, we are different, but equal. You don’t praise someone, because praise is a judgment from a person of higher status to a person of lower status. Instead, you express gratitude. You say "thank you" instead of "good job." This subtle shift removes the power struggle and replaces it with true community feeling, or Gemeinschaftsgefühl.
Is the Audiobook Right for You?
Look, this isn't a "feel good" book. It’s a "feel uncomfortable until you change" book. If you like being the victim of your circumstances, you’ll hate this. If you want someone to tell you that it’s all your parents' fault, look elsewhere.
But if you’re tired of feeling stuck, the Courage to Be Disliked audiobook offers a radical way out. It’s particularly great for:
- People-pleasers who are burnt out.
- Perfectionists who are afraid to fail.
- Anyone feeling "behind" in life compared to their peers.
- Skeptics who find traditional self-help too "woo-woo."
The narrators do a fantastic job of capturing the tension. The youth's voice is often strained with disbelief, which mirrors how most listeners feel when they first hear that "past trauma doesn't exist." But as the nights progress, the tone shifts from confrontation to a quiet, profound realization.
Practical Steps to Apply This Today
Thinking about these concepts is one thing; living them is another. Here is how you actually start using this stuff.
1. Identify Your Tasks
Next time you feel stressed, ask yourself: "Whose task is this?" If you’re worried about your partner’s mood, remember that their emotions are their task. You can be supportive, but you cannot "fix" them. Stay in your lane. It sounds cold, but it’s actually the kindest thing you can do for both of you.
2. Ditch the "If/Then" Narrative
Stop saying, "If I had more money, then I would be happy," or "If I hadn't been bullied, I would be confident." That’s the "if" of the past holding your "now" hostage. Decide who you want to be today, regardless of what happened yesterday.
3. Seek Contribution, Not Recognition
We crave recognition because we want to feel "above" others in a vertical hierarchy. Adler suggests that the only way to feel true worth is through "contribution to others." When you help someone, don't look for a "thank you" or a gold star. The mere act of being useful gives you worth. You don't need anyone else to validate it.
4. Live "Like You Are Dancing"
The book concludes with the idea that life isn't a mountain you climb to reach a summit. If it were, then everything before the summit would be "incomplete." Instead, life is like dancing. Every moment of the dance is the goal itself. You aren't "getting somewhere"; you are just being here, now.
The Courage to Be Disliked audiobook doesn't promise that life will be easy. It promises that life can be simple. We make it complicated by dragging the past into the present and worrying about a future we can't control. By separating tasks and finding the courage to be okay with others' disapproval, you finally get to start living your own life.
It’s a bizarre, challenging, and ultimately liberating listen. Just be prepared to argue with the philosopher for the first couple of hours. He can be a real piece of work.
Actionable Next Steps
- Audit your social interactions: For the next 24 hours, count how many times you worry about someone else's opinion of you. Every time you do, say to yourself: "That is their task, not mine."
- Replace praise with gratitude: Instead of telling a coworker or child "You did a great job" (vertical), try saying "I really appreciate how much that helped the team" or "Thank you for your effort" (horizontal).
- Focus on the "Here and Now": Write down one thing you can do today that has nothing to do with your past or your long-term goals, but simply brings value to your current moment.
- Listen to the first "Night": Grab the Courage to Be Disliked audiobook and listen to just the first section. Pay attention to your emotional reaction to the "trauma doesn't exist" argument—that reaction is usually where your biggest area for growth lies.