You probably think you know what love looks like. It’s the red roses, the sweaty palms, maybe that gut-wrenching feeling when someone doesn't text back for six hours. But honestly? That’s just one tiny sliver of the pie. If you’ve ever felt a deep, soul-shaking connection to a friend or a weirdly intense loyalty to a mentor, you’ve encountered the different shapes of love without even realizing it.
We’ve been sold a lie that romantic love is the "final boss" of emotions. It isn't.
In 1973, a sociologist named John Alan Lee decided to break this down because he realized our vocabulary for affection was pretty much garbage. He looked back at Greek terminology—because the Greeks actually had words for things we just lump into "feelings"—and created a framework. He called it the "Colors of Love." It’s basically a map of how we attach to people. Some of us are "Storge" types who need a solid friendship first, while others are "Eros" types who want the lightning bolt and the physical fireworks immediately.
Most people get it wrong by trying to force one shape into another. You can't fit a square peg of "Pragma" (logical, duty-based love) into a round hole of "Ludus" (game-playing, flirtatious love) without someone getting hurt.
The Ancient Greek Framework Still Holds Up
The Greeks weren't just sitting around in togas talking about philosophy for fun; they were dissecting the human psyche. They identified several distinct shapes of love that help explain why you can love your spouse, your best friend, and your morning coffee, but in totally different ways.
Eros is the one that gets all the movie deals. It’s named after the Greek god of fertility and represents physical passion and desire. It’s intense. It’s fast. But here’s the kicker: it’s also the most unstable. Modern psychologists often refer to this as the "honeymoon phase," and research published in The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships suggests this intense physiological arousal rarely lasts more than two or three years. After that, the shape has to morph into something else or it just dies.
Then you have Philia. This is the deep, enduring friendship. It’s the kind of love where you’d take a bullet for someone, but you don’t necessarily want to sleep with them. To the Greeks, Philia was actually higher than Eros because it was based on choice and mutual respect rather than just biological urges.
📖 Related: Wedding Invitation Envelope Examples: Why Getting the Outer Layer Right Matters
Why Storge Is the Most Underrated Shape
Storge (pronounced stor-gay) is familial love. It’s the natural affection that parents feel for children or that siblings feel for each other, even when they’re driving each other crazy. It’s built on shared history and familiarity. You don't "fall" into Storge; you grow into it. It’s the sturdy, reliable oak tree of the emotional world. In long-term marriages, Eros often transforms into a hybrid of Philia and Storge, which is why your grandparents might seem like best friends who just happens to share a bank account.
The Science of Attachment and Shape-Shifting
Your brain doesn't just feel things; it reacts to chemicals. When we talk about the shapes of love, we are really talking about different cocktails of neurochemistry.
- Dopamine drives the "Lust" and "Attraction" phases. It’s the reward seeker.
- Oxytocin is the "cuddle hormone." It’s what cements the "Attachment" phase.
- Vasopressin plays a huge role in long-term commitment and territorial behavior.
Anthropologist Helen Fisher has spent decades scanning brains in fMRI machines to prove this. She found that people in the throes of intense romantic love have brains that look a lot like people on cocaine. The "shape" of that love is an addiction. But as a relationship matures, the brain activity shifts from the ventral tegmental area (the reward center) to the regions associated with calm and pain suppression. The shape literally changes from a high-stakes gamble to a safety net.
Pragma and Ludus: The Rational vs. The Playful
Not every shape of love is about "feelings" in the way we usually think. Pragma is the pragmatic shape. It’s the love found in arranged marriages or long-term partnerships where the goal is survival, raising kids, and building a life. It sounds cold, right? But honestly, Pragma is incredibly durable. It’s based on "Does this person have the same values as me?" and "Can we actually live together without killing each other?"
On the flip side, you have Ludus. This is "game-playing" love. It’s the flirtation, the chase, the uncommitted dancing around the subject. Ludus is fun. It’s light. It’s the shape of a summer fling. The trouble starts when one person is playing Ludus while the other is looking for Agape.
The Rarity of Agape
Agape is the "big" love. It’s universal, selfless, and unconditional. Most people associate it with religious figures or parents, but it’s really about a love for humanity at large. It’s the shape of love that drives people to volunteer in war zones or give anonymously to strangers. It doesn't ask for anything back. It's the most difficult to sustain because it requires the ego to step aside completely.
Understanding Your Own "Love Style"
Robert Sternberg, a psychologist at Yale, expanded on these ideas with his Triangular Theory of Love. He argued that all types of love are made of three components: Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment.
- Consummate Love (the "ideal"): Has all three.
- Companionate Love: Has Intimacy and Commitment, but the fire (Passion) has gone out.
- Fatuous Love: Has Passion and Commitment, but you don't actually like or know the person (no Intimacy). Think of those Vegas weddings after three days of knowing someone.
If you find yourself constantly unhappy in relationships, it might be because you are chasing the wrong component. If you only value Passion, you’ll be a serial monogamist who leaves as soon as the dopamine wears off. If you only value Commitment, you might end up in a "dead" relationship that feels like a business arrangement. Recognizing the shapes of love you actually need versus the ones you were told to want is a game-changer.
Common Misconceptions That Ruin Relationships
People think that if the "shape" changes, the love is gone.
That’s a mistake.
Relationships are dynamic. They are supposed to evolve. If you expect a 10-year marriage to feel like a first date, you are setting yourself up for a mid-life crisis. The transition from Eros to Pragma or Storge isn't a failure; it’s an evolution. It’s the relationship becoming more complex and, frankly, more useful for navigating the difficulties of real life.
Also, we need to stop devaluing Philautia, or self-love. Not the "treat yourself to a latte" kind of self-love, but the deep, foundational respect for one's own soul. Without that shape being solid, every other love you try to build will be lopsided. You can't pour from an empty cup. It's a cliché for a reason.
Actionable Steps to Identify Your Love Shape
If you’re feeling disconnected or confused about your current relationships, try these specific shifts in perspective.
- Audit your "Intimacy" levels. Are you sharing your actual fears and dreams, or just complaining about work? Intimacy is the fuel for Philia. Without it, you’re just roommates.
- Identify your primary "Love Color." Do you lean toward Ludus (the chase) or Storge (stability)? Knowing your bias helps you communicate with partners who might have different needs.
- Practice "Agape" locally. Try doing something for a friend or partner with zero expectation of a "thank you" or a return favor. It stretches your emotional capacity.
- Stop pathologizing the "dull" moments. Boredom in a relationship often means you’ve successfully transitioned into a stable, "Storge" or "Pragma" shape. Use that stability as a platform for adventure rather than a reason to leave.
- Define your "Commitment" explicitly. Many relationships fail because people have different definitions of what commitment looks like. Is it "I won't leave when things get hard" or "I won't leave unless I find someone better"? Clear those definitions up early.
Understanding the shapes of love isn't about fitting yourself into a box. It’s about having a better vocabulary for the messiness of being human. Once you realize there isn't just one way to love, you stop feeling like a failure when your relationship doesn't look like a rom-com. It becomes much more interesting than that. It becomes real.