We talk about it constantly. New Year’s resolutions, mid-life crises, the sudden urge to finally fix your sleep schedule or stop being such a pushover at work. We call it "motivation" or "discipline," but deep down, what we’re really poking at is the will to change. It’s that internal engine. Sometimes it roars to life. Other times, it just clicks and sputters like an old car on a frozen morning.
Honestly, it’s frustrating.
You see people who seem to transform overnight. They quit smoking, start a business, or lose fifty pounds, and you wonder if they have a different operating system than you do. They don't. Science actually suggests that change isn't a personality trait. It’s a process. Dr. James Prochaska, a massive name in psychology who developed the Transtheoretical Model, spent decades proving that change isn't a single "zap" of lightning. It’s a series of stages. If you try to jump to the end without doing the legwork in the middle, you’re basically trying to build a roof before the foundation is poured. It’s going to collapse.
Change is messy. It’s loud. It’s often incredibly boring before it becomes beautiful.
The Myth of the "Aha!" Moment
Pop culture loves a good montage. We see the protagonist hit rock bottom, stare in a mirror for three seconds, and then—boom—they’re training in the rain. In reality, the will to change is usually born in the quiet, annoying moments of realization. It’s the tenth time you realize your back hurts because you haven't moved from your desk in six hours. It's the dull ache of knowing you’re settling for a relationship that feels like a lukewarm cup of tea.
Real change is rarely about a sudden epiphany.
Instead, it’s about "Decisional Balance." This is a concept often used in Motivational Interviewing, a technique developed by William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick. They found that people don't change because they’re told to; they change when the "pros" of the new behavior finally outweigh the "cons" of the old one. Sounds simple, right? It isn’t. We are remarkably good at lying to ourselves about how comfortable our current misery actually is.
We cling to the familiar because the brain perceives the unknown as a physical threat. Your amygdala doesn't care if you're happy; it just wants you to stay alive. And since your current habits haven't killed you yet, your brain thinks they’re a safe bet. To have the will to change, you have to convince your lizard brain that the future you’re building is safer than the rut you’re sitting in.
Why Your "Why" Is Probably Too Thin
If you ask someone why they want to change, they’ll usually give a surface-level answer. "I want to be healthy." "I want more money." That’s fine, but it’s not enough fuel for the long haul.
True the will to change requires what psychologists call "Intrinsic Motivation." This is doing something because it’s inherently satisfying or aligns with who you believe you are. If you’re changing for your spouse, your boss, or because you saw a fitfluencer on Instagram, you’re running on fumes. Extrinsic rewards—like praise or money—eventually lose their shine.
Think about the concept of "Identity-Based Habits" popularized by James Clear. He argues that the most effective way to change is not to focus on what you want to achieve, but on who you want to become.
- Instead of saying "I’m trying to run a marathon," you say "I’m a runner."
- Instead of "I’m trying to quit sugar," you say "I’m not a person who eats dessert every day."
This shifts the burden. You aren't forcing yourself to do a difficult task anymore; you’re simply acting in alignment with your identity. When your actions and your identity clash, it creates "Cognitive Dissonance." That’s a fancy way of saying your brain feels itchy and uncomfortable until you resolve the conflict. If you believe you’re a professional, but you keep showing up late, that itch will eventually force you to either change your behavior or change your self-image.
The Friction Problem
We underestimate how much our environment dictates our choices. You can have all the will in the world, but if you live in a house full of junk food, you’re going to eat junk food eventually.
B.J. Fogg, a researcher at Stanford, created the "Fogg Behavior Model." He says behavior happens when three things come together at the same time: Motivation, Ability, and a Prompt.
If your the will to change is high, you can do hard things. But motivation is like the tide—it goes out. When it does, you better hope your "Ability" is high. This means making the task so easy it's almost impossible to fail. Want to read more? Put a book on your pillow. Want to drink more water? Carry a bottle that’s literally attached to your hand.
Lower the friction for the good stuff. Increase the friction for the bad stuff.
I once knew a guy who wanted to stop watching so much TV. He didn't just hide the remote. He took the batteries out of the remote and put them in a kitchen drawer. Then he unplugged the TV and moved it to a different corner of the room. By the time he went through the effort of setting it all back up, the "impulse" to watch had usually died. He used friction to protect his will.
Navigating the "Messy Middle"
Most people quit about three weeks in. Why? Because the novelty has worn off, but the results haven't shown up yet. This is the "Valley of Disappointment."
During this phase, the will to change feels like a burden rather than an inspiration. You’re tired. You’re sore. You’re bored. This is where you need "Implementation Intentions." These are "If-Then" plans.
- "If I feel too tired to go to the gym after work, then I will put on my sneakers and just walk for five minutes."
- "If I get a craving for a cigarette after dinner, then I will immediately go wash the dishes."
These plans take the decision-making out of the moment. You’ve already decided. You’re just executing the script. It saves your mental energy for the big stuff.
Also, let’s be real: you’re going to mess up. You’ll have a bad day. You’ll eat the cake. You’ll skip the workout. The difference between people who change and those who don't isn't perfection; it’s how fast they get back on track. A "slip" is a mistake; a "slide" is when you let that mistake become your new direction.
The Science of Self-Compassion
This sounds "woo-woo," but it’s actually backed by hard data. Dr. Kristin Neff has done extensive research showing that people who practice self-compassion are actually more likely to achieve their goals than those who beat themselves up.
When you shame yourself for failing, your brain treats that shame as a threat. What do we do when we feel threatened? We seek comfort. And where do we find comfort? Usually in the very habits we’re trying to break. It’s a vicious cycle.
If you can look at a setback with curiosity instead of judgment—"Huh, I wonder why I felt the need to eat that whole pizza?"—you can actually learn from it. Judgment shuts down the learning centers of the brain. Curiosity opens them up.
Practical Steps to Ignite Your Change
You don't need a life overhaul. You need a series of strategic pivots.
Audit your environment immediately. Look around your physical space. What is making your "bad" habits easy? If you spend too much time scrolling, delete the apps for 24 hours. Just 24. See how your brain reacts. It’ll probably be louder than you expect.
Shrink the goal until it feels stupid. If you want to start a journaling habit, write one sentence. That’s it. If you can’t do one sentence, you don't have a motivation problem; you have an ego problem. You think the small stuff "doesn't count." It’s the only thing that counts because it builds the neurological pathway.
Find your "Lead Domino." What is the one habit that, if changed, makes everything else easier? For some, it’s waking up 30 minutes earlier. For others, it’s meal prepping on Sundays so they don't make impulsive food choices on Tuesdays. Find the one thing that has a "multiplier effect" on your life.
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Track the process, not just the outcome. Stop staring at the scale or the bank account. Track the "reps." Did you show up? Did you say no to the thing you usually say yes to? Give yourself a win for the effort. The outcome is just a lagging measure of your past behaviors.
Acknowledge the fear. Change is scary because it requires letting go of a version of yourself that you’ve known for years. It’s okay to grieve that old self. But don't let the fear of the "new" keep you trapped in a "comfortable" prison.
The will to change is a muscle. It gets stronger the more you use it, but it also needs rest and recovery. Stop waiting for the "perfect time" or the "perfect feeling." Feelings are fickle. Action, however, is a choice.
Start with the smallest possible version of your goal. Do it today. Do it again tomorrow. Before you know it, the "will" won't feel like an effort anymore—it’ll just be who you are. Change isn't about being someone else; it's about finally becoming the version of yourself that isn't held back by your own history. It's a slow burn, not a flash in the pan. Stick with it. It's worth the friction.