You’re sitting there. Maybe the scene is over, or maybe it hasn't even started yet, and the silence feels heavy. You want to connect, but the words feel clunky. Finding the right things to say to your sub isn’t just about memorizing some script you found on a forum. It's actually about the psychological tether between two people. Honestly, most of the "alpha" dialogue you see in movies is garbage. It's performative. In the real world, effective power exchange thrives on nuance, not just barking orders.
Words are tools. Like any tool, if you use a sledgehammer when you need a needle, you’re going to break something.
The Reality of Things to Say to Your Sub During a Scene
Communication in D/s (Dominance and submission) is a layered cake. You have the "In-Scene" talk, which everyone focuses on, but then there’s the "Maintenance" talk that actually keeps the relationship alive. If you only focus on the former, your dynamic will probably fizzle out in three months. Dr. Keely Kolmes, a psychologist who has written extensively on alternative sexualities, often notes that the foundation of these dynamics is radical consent. That consent isn't just a "yes" at the start; it's a constant, verbal and non-verbal dialogue.
When you're looking for things to say to your sub while you're actually in the middle of it, you need to think about the "Check-in."
Wait, doesn't checking in ruin the mood?
Nope. Not if you do it right. Instead of stopping everything to ask, "Are you okay?", you can weave it into the persona. "Look at me. Are you still with me?" or "Tell me how that feels." These aren't just commands; they are data collection points. You are checking for headspace. You are checking for "drop."
The Difference Between Praise and Validation
We need to talk about "Good girl" or "Good boy."
It’s the bread and butter of the community. For many, it's the ultimate reward. But why? Neurologically, it triggers a dopamine spike associated with reward-seeking behavior. However, if you say it every five seconds, it becomes white noise. It loses the punch.
Instead, try being specific. "I love how still you’re staying for me right now." Or perhaps, "You’re doing exactly what I asked, and it’s perfect." Specificity builds a much stronger psychological bridge because the submissive feels seen, not just managed. It’s the difference between a generic "thanks" and a heartfelt letter.
Navigating the Hard Conversations
What about when things aren't going well? This is the part of things to say to your sub that most guides ignore because it’s not "sexy."
If a submissive misses a protocol or forgets a task, the immediate impulse might be to jump straight into punishment. But an expert Dominant knows that the first thing to say is often a question. "I noticed the dishes weren't done—is your headspace okay today?" This is crucial. Sometimes a "failure" isn't defiance; it's burnout. According to the "Consent at a Glance" framework used in many BDSM education circles, power should be a gift, not a burden. If you're constantly berating them without checking the "why," you're just being a jerk, not a Dom.
The Power of Aftercare Dialogue
The scene is over. The adrenaline is fading. This is where the most important things to say to your sub happen.
Aftercare isn't just about blankets and water, though those are great. It's about emotional re-integration. You've just spent time in a power imbalance; now you need to level the playing field so they can function in the real world again.
"You did so well today."
"I'm right here."
"Do you need space, or do you need me to hold you?"
These phrases act as a landing strip. Without them, the submissive can experience "sub drop," a crash in endorphins and serotonin that feels like a massive emotional hangover. You have to talk them through the transition. You have to be the anchor.
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Why Silence is Sometimes Better
I know this article is about what to say, but sometimes the best thing to say is nothing.
Comfortable silence is a sign of a mature dynamic. If you feel the need to fill every second with "Dom-speak," you're likely overcompensating for your own insecurity. Let the energy settle. Let them process the physical sensations. Sometimes a simple, "Shhh, just breathe," is more powerful than a ten-minute lecture on submission.
Real World Examples and Scripts
Let’s get practical. If you’re struggling with the vocabulary, look at how you can categorize your speech.
- Directives: "Hands behind your back." (Short, clear, leaves no room for confusion).
- Affirmations: "Your submission is such a gift to me." (Builds value and self-esteem).
- Inquiries: "How deep does that feel on a scale of one to ten?" (Safety-focused but remains in character).
- Future-pacing: "Tonight, I want you to think about what we did today while you're falling asleep." (Extends the dynamic beyond the bedroom).
Don't use words that don't feel like "you." If you never use the word "behoove" in real life, don't start using it because you think it sounds more authoritative. You'll just sound like you're reading a script from a bad Victorian novel. People can smell inauthenticity a mile away. Your submissive wants you, just dialed up to eleven.
Misconceptions About Verbal Dominance
A huge mistake people make is thinking that being a Dominant means being mean.
Cruelty is easy. Authority is hard.
When you're considering things to say to your sub, remember that your words should build a container. A container makes someone feel safe enough to let go. If your words are constantly tearing them down or attacking their character rather than their actions, you aren't practicing D/s; you're just being abusive. Real experts in the kink community, like those who teach at events like "Leather Leadership Conference," emphasize that the "Top" is responsible for the emotional safety of the "Bottom."
The Role of Humor
Believe it or not, it’s okay to laugh.
If something goes wrong—someone falls off the bed, a toy makes a weird noise, the cat walks in—address it. "Well, that wasn't exactly the vibe I was going for," can break the tension and make the eventual return to the scene feel more grounded. A dynamic that can't handle a joke is a brittle dynamic.
Actionable Steps for Improving Your Communication
To actually get better at this, you have to practice outside of the "heat of the moment."
Start a communication journal.
Every few weeks, write down things your partner said or did that really worked for you, and ask them to do the same. This isn't a "performance review" in the corporate sense; it's a map.
Vary your tone.
Practice saying the same phrase—like "come here"—in three different ways. Say it as a gentle invitation, a firm command, and a cold requirement. Notice how the energy in the room shifts with each one.
Read more than just erotica.
Read books on psychology, linguistics, and even leadership. Understanding how humans process authority will give you a much larger "word bank" than any "100 Dirty Things to Say" listicle ever could.
Establish "Green-Lighting" phrases.
These are things to say to your sub that signify the start of a formal session. It helps their brain switch gears. "I'm taking over now," or "Are you ready to give yourself to me?" sets a clear boundary between "Vanilla Time" and "Kink Time."
Ultimately, the best things to say to your sub are the ones that are true. If you are proud of them, say it. If you are frustrated, explain why. If you are overwhelmed by how much you enjoy the dynamic, let them know. Honesty is the most potent aphrodisiac in the world of power exchange. It builds a level of trust that allows the submissive to go deeper into their headspace because they know exactly where they stand with you.
Stop worrying about sounding like a movie character. Start sounding like a leader. Leaders don't just talk; they communicate a vision. Your vision is the dynamic you’ve built together. Speak into that, and the words will find themselves.
Next Steps for Implementation:
- Conduct a "Vibe Check": Tonight, outside of the bedroom, ask your submissive which specific phrases you’ve used in the past made them feel the most "under your thumb." You might be surprised by what they find effective.
- Audit Your Praise: For the next week, try to replace every generic "good job" with a specific observation about their behavior or attitude.
- Define Your Keywords: Identify three "power words" that belong specifically to your dynamic—words that carry weight and history for both of you—and use them intentionally during your next session.