It sounds like a magic trick. Or maybe a scam. Sit across from a stranger, ask 36 specific questions, stare into their eyes for four minutes, and boom—you’re in love. People talk about it like it’s a love potion for the modern age. But if you want to fall in love with anyone do this specific protocol, you have to understand that it wasn't originally designed to find "The One." It was actually a psychological experiment about intimacy.
Back in 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron and his team published a study in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin called "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness." They weren't trying to create marriages. They were trying to see if they could force-start a friendship in a lab setting. It worked better than they expected. One of the original pairs actually got married six months later.
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Why Vulnerability is the Secret Sauce
Most of us spend our first dates talking about the weather, our jobs, or that one weird show on Netflix. It’s safe. It’s boring. It’s also a total waste of time if you're looking for a deep connection. Aron’s theory was based on "sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure." Basically, you tell me something scary, I tell you something scary, and we keep leveling up until we're both emotionally naked.
That’s the core of it. When you decide to fall in love with anyone do this process, you are bypassing weeks of small talk. You’re fast-tracking the brain's trust mechanism.
Think about it. We usually protect our "true selves" behind a wall. We show the world the "curated" version. By following these 36 questions, you’re essentially tearing that wall down with a sledgehammer. It’s uncomfortable. Honestly, it’s kinda terrifying. But that discomfort is exactly what creates the bond.
The Famous 36 Questions Broken Down
The questions are split into three sets. Each set gets more intense. You start with "Would you like to be famous?" and you end with "When did you last cry in front of another person?"
Set One: Testing the Waters
You start light. You talk about your "perfect day" or what you'd want to be famous for. These seem like icebreakers, but they reveal values. If someone says they want to be famous for their art and the other person says they want to be famous for being rich, you’ve already found a fundamental difference in how you view the world.
Set Two: Digging Deeper
This is where things get real. You’re asked about your relationship with your mother. You’re asked what you treasure most in your life. It’s no longer about what you do; it’s about who you are. By this point, the hormone oxytocin—the "cuddle chemical"—usually starts kicking in. You feel like you've known this person for years even though it's been forty-five minutes.
Set Three: The Final Push
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The last set is brutal. You have to tell the other person what you like about them. You have to share a personal problem and ask for their advice. This is the "reciprocal" part of the experiment. It forces you to see the other person as an ally.
Does it Actually Work on Strangers?
The internet went crazy for this after Mandy Len Catron wrote her 2015 New York Times essay "To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This." She tried the experiment with an acquaintance at a bar. They ended up together. But here is the nuance most people miss: both people have to want it to work.
You can't trap someone in a room, read these questions, and expect them to propose. Love requires agency. The questions provide the structure, but the participants provide the soul.
It’s also not just for strangers. Long-term couples use these questions to reignite a spark. After ten years of marriage, you think you know everything about your partner. You don't. You’ve just stopped asking the right things. Using this method can remind you why you liked them in the first place.
The Four-Minute Stare
This is the part everyone hates. After the questions, you sit in silence and look into each other's eyes for four minutes.
It feels like an eternity. Two minutes in, you'll want to laugh or look away. Don't.
Eye contact is a powerful physiological trigger. In his book The Chemistry Between Us, Larry Young explains how prolonged eye contact mimics the gaze between a mother and an infant or two lovers. It signals to the primitive parts of your brain that this person is "safe" and "important." It’s an intimacy hack.
What Could Go Wrong?
Let’s be real for a second. This isn't a guarantee of a happily ever after.
- False Intimacy: You can create a temporary "high" that feels like love but is actually just the rush of over-sharing. Once the experiment is over, you might realize you actually have nothing in common.
- One-Sided Vulnerability: If one person is being totally honest and the other is holding back, it creates a power imbalance. That’s not love; that’s a therapy session.
- Bad Timing: If you're not in a place where you're ready for a relationship, no amount of psychological questioning will change that.
The study proved that closeness can be generated, but it didn't prove that closeness can be sustained without effort. Love is a verb, not just a feeling you get after a 90-minute exercise.
How to Actually Do This Tonight
If you’re ready to try it, don't do it over a loud dinner. Find a quiet spot. Turn off your phones. Seriously, put them in another room.
Don't rush through the questions. If one question sparks a twenty-minute tangent, let it happen. The list is the map, but the tangent is the destination.
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When you get to the four-minute stare, set a timer so you aren't checking your watch. Just be there.
Actionable Steps for Deep Connection
If you want to use the science of Arthur Aron to improve your dating life or your current relationship, start here:
- Pick a "Growth" Night: Dedicate one evening where small talk is banned. No talking about work, chores, or the news.
- Use the "We" Language: One of the questions asks you to make three "we" statements (e.g., "We are both in this room feeling slightly awkward"). This builds a sense of shared identity.
- Share Your Mistakes: Vulnerability isn't just about sharing your dreams; it's about sharing your failures. Mentioning something you're not proud of builds trust faster than any boast.
- The Follow-Up: If you do the 36 questions with a stranger, wait 24 hours before making a big decision. Let the "intimacy high" wear off so you can see if the connection is real or just a result of the experiment.
Falling in love isn't just something that happens to you. It's something you can actively participate in. By choosing to be seen and choosing to truly see someone else, you're doing the one thing most people are too scared to try: being real.
The Reality of the 36 Questions
The 36 questions won't fix a toxic relationship, and they won't turn a jerk into a soulmate. But they do prove one thing: we are all walking around with a deep desire to be known. Most of us are just waiting for an invitation to tell the truth.
If you want to change how you connect with people, stop waiting for the "spark" to hit you like lightning. Instead, build the fire yourself. Use the tools that psychology has given us to break through the surface. It’s awkward, it’s intense, and it might just be the most honest conversation you’ve had in years.
Start with the first question tonight: Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? The answer might surprise you.