You’ve probably felt it before. That sinking feeling in a meeting when you suggest an idea and a colleague lets out a tiny, performative sigh. Or maybe it’s a partner who corrects your "tone" in front of the kids. It isn’t an explosion. It’s a leak. If you’re wondering what does it mean to undermine, you have to stop looking for the big, dramatic betrayals and start looking at the foundations.
To undermine is to erode.
The word literally comes from the practice of digging a tunnel under a wall or a castle to make it collapse under its own weight. In modern life, it’s basically the same thing. You aren't knocking the wall down with a sledgehammer; you're just removing the dirt that keeps it standing. It’s subtle. It’s often quiet. And honestly, it’s one of the most toxic things that can happen in a workplace or a marriage because it’s so hard to pin down in the moment.
The Psychology of Subversion
Most people think undermining is just a fancy word for "disagreeing." It isn't. Disagreement is healthy. If I tell you your marketing plan won't work because the budget is too thin, I’m challenging your idea. If I wait until you leave the room and then tell the boss, "It’s a great plan, I just hope her personal life doesn't get in the way of the execution," I am undermining you.
Psychologist Dr. Harriet Braiker, who wrote extensively about manipulation, often highlighted how these "covert-aggressive" behaviors work. They are designed to keep the victim off-balance. If you call someone out for undermining you, they usually have a ready-made defense: "You’re being too sensitive," or "I was just joking." This is gaslighting’s cousin.
It’s a power move. Usually, people undermine because they feel threatened. If someone can’t climb higher than you on their own merit, they’ll try to shorten your ladder. It’s a zero-sum game mentality. They think that for them to win, you have to look just a little bit less competent.
What Does It Mean to Undermine in the Workplace?
Office politics are the natural habitat for this kind of behavior. It’s rarely about the work itself and almost always about the perception of the work.
Take the "Casual Credit Snatcher." This person doesn't steal your whole project. That would be too obvious. Instead, they use "we" when they should use "you." When the CEO praises a breakthrough, they chime in with, "Yeah, I was really glad I could guide the team through that rough patch in June." Suddenly, the narrative shifts. You’re no longer the leader; you’re the person who needed "guidance."
Then there’s the "Praise-Criticism Sandwich." It looks like this: "She’s so creative, it’s amazing how she doesn't let things like deadlines or budgets slow her down."
It sounds like a compliment. It’s actually a hit job. By the time the sentence is over, the listener has forgotten about the "creative" part and is now worried that you’re an expensive, unorganized liability. This is the hallmark of what it means to undermine—the intent is to weaken your authority or reputation while maintaining a facade of helpfulness.
The Impact on Team Dynamics
When a leader undermines a manager, the whole department rots. If a VP overrides a manager’s decision in front of the staff, that manager’s "foundation" is gone. Why would the staff listen to the manager tomorrow? They won't. They’ll go straight to the VP. It creates a vacuum where no one knows who is actually in charge, and productivity hits a wall. Research from the Harvard Business Review suggests that this kind of "incivility" leads to a 48% decrease in work effort among those who experience it. People don't quit jobs; they quit the feeling of being eroded.
Relationships: The Quiet Erosion of Trust
In personal lives, undermining is even more damaging because the stakes are emotional. It often shows up as "white-anting"—a term used in Australia to describe termites eating a house from the inside out.
Maybe you’re trying to get healthy. You tell your partner you’re cutting out sugar. That night, they bring home your favorite donuts. "I just wanted to do something nice for you, you’ve been working so hard!" On the surface, it’s a gift. In reality, it’s undermining your autonomy and your goals. It makes you feel like your self-discipline is a joke.
It also happens through:
- Public Correction: Fixing someone’s grammar or "facts" in the middle of a story they are telling to friends.
- Decision Reversal: One parent says "no" to a movie; the other parent says "yes" five minutes later.
- The "Joking" Insult: "Oh, don't mind him, he’s never been good with money."
This is how respect dies. Not in a big fight, but in a thousand tiny cuts. When you wonder what does it mean to undermine in a relationship, look for the moments where you feel small. If you feel like your partner is your "parent" or your "critic" rather than your teammate, undermining is likely the culprit.
Why People Do It (The Ugly Truth)
We want to believe people are just "unaware." Sometimes that’s true. Some people grew up in homes where undermining was the only way to get attention. But often, it’s a strategy.
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Insecurity is the engine. If I’m afraid I’m not good enough, I have two choices: I can get better, or I can make you look worse. Making you look worse is much faster. It requires zero self-improvement.
There’s also the "Gatekeeper" mentality. Some people undermine others to remain the sole source of truth or power in a group. By making everyone else seem slightly unreliable, they ensure that they are the only person the "boss" or the "friend group" trusts. It’s a lonely way to live, but for a certain type of personality, the control is worth the isolation.
The Difference Between Undermining and Feedback
We have to be careful here. Not every criticism is an attempt to undermine you.
If your boss tells you your report is "sloppy and needs a total rewrite," that’s harsh. It might even be mean. But if they say it to your face, in private, it’s feedback. It’s an attempt (however poorly executed) to change the outcome.
Undermining is about the audience and the method.
- Is it private? (Usually not.)
- Is it direct? (Almost never.)
- Does it offer a solution? (Nope.)
If someone is actually trying to help you, they want you to succeed. If someone is undermining you, they want you to fail—or at least, they want you to look like you’re failing while they "help" you.
How to Stop the Erosion
You can't just ignore undermining and hope it goes away. Termites don't stop eating just because you pretend the house isn't sagging.
Call it out immediately, but calmly. If someone "jokes" at your expense in a meeting, don't laugh. Don't get angry. Just ask a clarifying question.
"I'm not sure I get the joke, what did you mean by that?"
When you force an underminer to explain their subtext, the power evaporates. They rely on the "unspoken" to do the damage. Once it’s spoken, it just looks petty.
Document the patterns.
In a professional setting, keep a log. One "accidental" comment is a mistake. Five comments in two weeks is a strategy. If you ever need to go to HR, "He makes me feel bad" won't work. "On Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday, he contradicted my project stats in front of the client despite having the correct data in his inbox" will.
Strengthen your own foundation.
The best defense against being undermined is transparency. If you’re worried a colleague is whispering about your project, over-communicate. Send the updates to the whole team. CC the necessary parties. Make it impossible for a "false narrative" to take root because the "real narrative" is everywhere.
Actionable Steps to Take Today
If you suspect you’re being undermined, or—let’s be real—if you’re worried you might be the one doing it, here is how you pivot:
- Audit your "jokes." If your humor relies on pointing out someone else’s flaws, stop. It’s not a joke; it’s a jab.
- The "Front-Door" Rule. If you have an issue with someone, tell them directly. If you find yourself telling a third party about someone’s "weakness," ask yourself why. What are you gaining by spreading that?
- Validate Others Publicly. The antidote to undermining is "overmining" (not a real word, but it should be). Build people up. When you see someone doing a good job, say it in front of the group. This builds a culture where undermining looks out of place and "weird."
- Check Your Insecurity. When you feel the urge to "correct" someone or "take them down a peg," ask yourself: What am I afraid of right now? Usually, you’ll find that you’re worried about your own status.
Understanding what does it mean to undermine is really about understanding the value of integrity. It’s about realizing that you don't need to dim someone else’s light to make yours shine brighter. In fact, when you try to dim someone else's light, you usually just end up standing in the dark with them.
Stop the digging. Build something instead.