What is Considered Verbal Abuse: Why We Often Miss the Warning Signs

It starts small. Maybe it’s a "joke" that felt like a punch to the gut, or a sarcastic comment about how you’re "too sensitive" when you try to speak up. You brush it off. We all do. But eventually, the air in the room starts to feel heavy every time that person walks in. You find yourself rehearsing your sentences before you say them, trying to avoid a landmine you can't quite see. This is the reality of living with words used as weapons. Honestly, knowing what is considered verbal abuse isn't as straightforward as identifying a physical blow, because there's no bruise to show the doctor. It’s invisible. It’s quiet. And it’s incredibly destructive.

The problem is that our culture often equates abuse with screaming. If no one is shouting, we assume everything is fine. But some of the most damaging verbal abuse happens in a whisper—or in a cold, calculated silence. Experts like Patricia Evans, who literally wrote the book on this (The Verbal Abusive Relationship), point out that it’s less about the volume and more about the power dynamic. It’s a pattern. It’s a way to control, belittle, or dehumanize another person.

The Subtle "Jokes" and the Trap of Gaslighting

Have you ever been told you’re "crazy" for remembering something differently? That’s gaslighting. It’s one of the most sinister forms of verbal abuse because it makes you lose trust in your own brain. When a partner, parent, or boss consistently denies your reality—saying things like "I never said that" or "You’re imagining things"—they are effectively dismantling your sense of self. It’s not just a disagreement. It's a tactic.

Then there’s the "humor" defense. We’ve all been there. Someone says something cruel, you look hurt, and they immediately snap back with, "Gosh, take a joke!" This is a classic hallmark of what is considered verbal abuse. It’s called disparaging humor. By masking the insult as a joke, the abuser shifts the blame onto you. Now you’re the one with the problem because you don't have a sense of humor. It’s a neat little trick that allows them to be mean without ever having to take responsibility.

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Think about the impact of constant "teasing" that centers on your insecurities. If you’ve asked someone to stop commenting on your weight, your career, or your past, and they keep doing it under the guise of "just kidding," that’s not a joke. That’s a boundary violation. It’s verbal aggression disguised as play.

Defining the Lines: When is it Just an Argument?

Everyone fights. Couples yell. Friends say things they regret in the heat of the moment. So, where is the line?

Generally, a healthy argument focuses on the issue. You’re mad because the dishes aren't done or the budget was blown. In those cases, you might say, "I’m really frustrated that you didn't do what you promised." It’s about the behavior.

Verbal abuse is different because it focuses on the person.

Instead of talking about the dishes, an abuser says, "You’re lazy and worthless, and you can't even handle a simple task." See the difference? One is a complaint; the other is a character assassination. When the goal of the communication is to make the other person feel small, incompetent, or unlovable, you’ve crossed into abuse territory.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, verbal abuse often precedes physical violence, but even on its own, it causes significant psychological trauma. It keeps the victim in a state of "hyper-arousal"—basically, your nervous system is always waiting for the next attack. Over time, this leads to actual physical health problems, like chronic cortisol spikes, sleep disorders, and even weakened immune systems.

Withholding and the Silent Treatment

Wait, can not talking be considered verbal abuse? Absolutely.

Psychologists often refer to this as "withholding" or the "silent treatment." It’s the refusal to engage, share thoughts, or even acknowledge the other person’s presence. It’s a power move. By refusing to communicate, the abuser forces the victim to beg for attention or apologize for things they didn't even do just to "break the ice." It’s an agonizing form of emotional punishment that leaves the victim feeling completely invisible.

The Workplace: When Your Boss is the Abuser

We often talk about domestic situations, but what is considered verbal abuse in a professional setting? It’s arguably harder to spot because it’s often wrapped in the language of "performance reviews" or "high-pressure environments."

• Public Humiliation: A manager criticizing you in front of the whole team during a meeting.
• Constant Undermining: Dismissing every idea you have with a sneer or an eye-roll.
• Threatening Your Livelihood: Not just discussing performance, but using your job security as a way to mock or belittle you personally.

The Workplace Bullying Institute (WBI) has found that most workplace abuse is "status-blind," meaning it doesn't always fall under legal definitions of harassment (like racial or sexual discrimination), which makes it even harder to report. If your boss is just a "jerk" to everyone, many HR departments won't intervene. But if that "jerkiness" involves personal insults, yelling, or spreading rumors, it’s verbal abuse. Period.

Why Do We Stay?

It’s the question everyone asks, and it’s usually asked with a hint of judgment. "Why don't you just leave?"

The truth? Verbal abuse is addictive in a weird, neurological way. It often follows a cycle: the tension builds, the verbal explosion happens, and then comes the "honeymoon phase." The abuser apologizes. They buy flowers. They promise it will never happen again. They tell you they only acted that way because they "love you so much" or because they’re "under a lot of stress."

This creates what’s known as a "traumatic bond." Your brain gets a hit of dopamine when the abuse stops and the affection returns. You start to live for those brief moments of peace, convinced that if you just behave "better," the peace will last. But the peace is a mirage. The cycle always resets.

How to Handle the Situation

If you’re realizing that what you’re experiencing is indeed verbal abuse, the first step is realizing you cannot "fix" the abuser. You can't use better logic to convince them to stop. You can't be "nicer" enough to change their personality.

1. Set a Hard Boundary

You have to stop the conversation the moment it turns abusive. You might say, "I am willing to talk about the budget, but I am not willing to be called names. If you continue, I’m leaving the room." And then—this is the hard part—you actually have to leave the room. If you stay and keep arguing, you’re showing them that their behavior is "negotiable." It isn't.

2. Document Everything

This sounds clinical, but it’s vital for your sanity. When you’re being gaslit, you start to doubt your own memory. Keep a secret journal or a digital note of what was said, when, and who else was there. This isn't just for legal reasons; it’s for you. It’s proof that you aren't "crazy."

3. Seek Outside Perspective

Abusers love isolation. They want to be your only source of truth. Talk to a therapist, a trusted friend, or a support group. Hearing someone else say, "That’s not normal," can be the catalyst for change. Organizations like Psychology Today offer directories to find therapists who specialize in emotional and verbal abuse.

4. Create an Exit Plan

If the abuse is constant, your mental health will eventually shatter. You need to think about what life looks like without this person. This doesn't mean you have to pack your bags tonight, but you should start thinking about your finances, where you’d stay, and who you can count on.

Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem

Verbal abuse is like a slow-acting poison. It erodes your confidence until you feel like a shell of your former self. You might find yourself "apologizing" for existing or feeling like you’re a burden to everyone around you. That’s the abuse talking.

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Recovery takes time. It involves unlearning the lies you’ve been told about yourself. You aren't "difficult." You aren't "unlovable." You were just in a situation where someone used words to try and break you.

Start by practicing "self-talk" that contradicts the abuser’s narrative. If they called you stupid, remind yourself of your accomplishments. If they called you ugly, focus on what your body can do—how it carries you through the day. It feels silly at first. Do it anyway.

Taking Action Today

If you suspect you’re in an abusive situation, don’t wait for it to "get better" on its own. It rarely does without professional intervention.

• Identify the Pattern: Start noticing if the insults happen mostly when you’re succeeding or when the other person feels insecure.
• Stop Explaining: You don't owe an abuser an explanation for your feelings. If they don't respect your "no," they won't respect your "because."
• Prioritize Safety: If the verbal abuse starts to include threats of physical harm or "checking" your phone and movements, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233).

Understand that what is considered verbal abuse is defined by its effect on you, not the intention of the speaker. If the words hurt, if they make you feel small, and if they are used to control you, they are abusive. You deserve to live in a world where your home, your workplace, and your relationships are safe harbors, not battlefields. Start by trusting your gut. If it feels wrong, it probably is.