You've probably heard the term whispered at a party or seen it pop up in a late-night Reddit thread. Maybe you were swiping through a dating app and saw a bio that said "no unicorn hunting." It sounds mythical. It sounds rare. Honestly, it is. But when we ask what's a unicorn in a relationship, we aren't talking about horse-like creatures with sparkly horns. We’re talking about a very specific person who enters a very specific dynamic.
Usually, it’s a bisexual woman. She’s single. She’s interested in joining an existing couple—typically a man and a woman—for a sexual encounter or a long-term polyamorous relationship. She’s called a unicorn because, frankly, finding someone who fits that exact mold, has that specific chemistry with two different people, and wants no strings attached (or exactly the right strings) is incredibly difficult.
It’s a trope. It’s a fantasy. For some, it's a lifestyle.
The Reality of Unicorn Hunting
Most people start looking for a unicorn because they want to spice things up. Maybe the marriage feels a bit stagnant. Or maybe they’ve realized they’re both attracted to women and want to explore that together. This is where the term "unicorn hunting" comes from. It describes a couple—often referred to as "The Hunters"—searching for that perfect third person to slot into their lives like a missing puzzle piece.
But here is where things get messy.
In the polyamory community, unicorn hunting is often looked down upon. Why? Because it’s frequently viewed as "couple privilege" in action. The couple has the history, the shared bank account, the house, and the legal marriage. The unicorn? They're often treated like a guest star. A temporary accessory. When the couple gets jealous or hits a rough patch, the unicorn is usually the first person to get kicked out. It’s a lopsided power dynamic that can leave the third person feeling used or disposable.
Why People Search for the Myth
Let's be real for a second. The idea is incredibly appealing to a lot of couples. You get the safety of your primary partner plus the thrill of someone new. It’s like a "best of both worlds" scenario. From the couple's perspective, they aren't looking to hurt anyone. They just want to expand their love or their sex life.
For the person acting as the unicorn, the appeal is different. Some people genuinely love the lack of responsibility. You get to enjoy the intimacy and the fun without having to worry about whose turn it is to take out the trash or deal with the in-laws. You're the "fun" part of their week. Some people thrive in that role. They enjoy the attention of two people. They like the unique energy of a throuple.
Breaking Down the Ethics
When you're trying to figure out what's a unicorn in a relationship, you eventually have to talk about ethics. This isn't just about sex. It's about human beings.
The biggest mistake couples make is creating a "contract" before they even meet the person. They decide the rules: No falling in love. No one-on-one dates. You leave when we say so. This is what activists like Elisabeth Sheff, author of The Polyamorists Next Door, often point to as a red flag. You're treating a person like a commodity. You're trying to fit a human into a box you built before you even knew their name.
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If a throuple (a relationship of three people) is going to work, it has to be organic. You can't just "add" a person. You have to build three new relationships.
- Partner A + Partner B
- Partner B + Partner C
- Partner A + Partner C
- Partner A + Partner B + Partner C
If you ignore any of those legs of the stool, the whole thing falls over. Most "hunters" only care about the fourth one. That’s why these arrangements often crash and burn within six months.
Common Misconceptions That Get People in Trouble
People think it’s just a "hotter" version of a standard relationship. It's not. It's ten times more work. You have to deal with double the jealousy. You have to navigate three different schedules.
Another big myth? That the unicorn is always "stealing" a partner. This isn't The Stepmom or some weird 90s thriller. In healthy polyamorous setups, there is no stealing. There is only sharing. But if the couple hasn't done the "prep work"—if they haven't talked about their insecurities—the unicorn often becomes a scapegoat for existing problems in the marriage.
The "Unicorn" Perspective
I once talked to a woman named Sarah who spent two years as a unicorn for a couple in Seattle. She loved it at first. She felt like the center of the universe. But then, the wife got pregnant. Suddenly, Sarah wasn't invited to dinner. She wasn't allowed in the hospital. She realized she was a "luxury item," not a family member.
"It's great until it's not," she told me. "You have to have a thick skin. You have to know that you are stepping into a pre-existing ecosystem that will protect itself before it protects you."
This is why many experienced polyamorous people avoid couples altogether. They'd rather date individuals. It’s less "all or nothing."
How to Do It Right (If You Must)
If you're reading this and thinking, "Okay, but we still want to try," then you need to change your approach. Stop hunting. Start opening.
- Ditch the "Hunted" Vibe: Stop looking for a "third." Look for a person.
- Acknowledge Your Privilege: Realize that you and your partner have a power advantage. Work actively to minimize it.
- Give Them a Voice: If this person is going to be in your life, they need to have a say in the rules of the relationship.
- Check Your Jealousy: If you can't handle your partner kissing someone else while you're right there, you are not ready for a unicorn.
Moving Past the Label
The term "unicorn" is becoming a bit dated. As we get more nuanced about how we view non-monogamy, we're realizing that labeling someone as a magical creature is just another way of dehumanizing them. They’re a partner. Or a lover. Or a friend with benefits.
They aren't a myth. They're just people looking for connection, same as anyone else.
If you’re serious about exploring this, your first step isn’t downloading Tinder. It’s reading. It's talking. It's spending three months discussing "what if" scenarios before you ever send a "hey" to a stranger. Because once a third person enters the mix, your original relationship is changed forever. You can't go back to exactly how it was before. You have to be okay with that.
Actionable Steps for Exploring This Dynamic
- Read "The Ethical Slut" or "Polysecure": These are the bibles of non-monogamy. They will help you understand attachment styles and how to manage the "opening up" process without hurting people.
- Define Your "Why": Sit down with your partner. Is this about sex? Is it about loneliness? Is it about a specific fantasy? Be brutally honest. If you're doing this to "fix" your marriage, stop immediately.
- Audit Your Relationship: Are you and your primary partner on solid ground? If you have communication issues now, a third person will act like a magnifying glass for those problems.
- Practice Radical Transparency: If you do meet someone, tell them exactly what you are looking for on day one. Don't lead them on. If you only want a one-night stand, say that. If you want a life partner, say that too.
- Identify "Vetocracy": Discuss whether one partner has "veto power" over the other's relationship with the new person. (Note: Most experts advise against vetoes as they are inherently unfair to the third person).
By the time you actually find your "unicorn," you should have put in enough emotional labor that the transition feels less like a hunt and more like a natural evolution. Respect is the only thing that makes the myth a reality.