Your face is a canvas, but most guys treat it like a billboard they forgot to rent out. Let's be honest. Picking a style isn't just about "not shaving." It's an architectural decision. When you look at the history of facial hair, different kinds of mustaches have signaled everything from high-society status to "I definitely own a white van." It’s weird how much power a little strip of hair above the lip actually has.
Growth matters. But geometry matters more. If you have a long, narrow face and you sprout a thin Pencil mustache, you’re basically turning your head into an exclamation point. Don’t do that. You’ve gotta balance the weight.
The Heavy Hitters: Styles That Demand Respect
The Chevron is basically the "dad" of the mustache world. Think Tom Selleck in Magnum, P.I. or Freddie Mercury during the 80s. It’s thick. It’s wide. It usually covers the top border of your upper lip entirely. People love it because it’s rugged but approachable. If you’re growing this, you aren't trying too hard. You just have a lot of testosterone and maybe a vintage leather jacket.
Then there’s the Handlebar. This one is a commitment. You can't just wake up with a Handlebar; you have to train it. We’re talking about long ends that are styled into a curl using wax. It’s iconic, sure, but it’s also high maintenance. If you don't have the patience to twirl your hair while staring into a mirror for five minutes every morning, stay away. It’s named after bicycle handlebars for a reason. Real enthusiasts, like those in the Handelbar Club, will tell you that the "true" version shouldn't have any hair growing from the cheeks—it’s all about the upper lip length.
The Walrus and the Wild Ones
Ever seen someone who looks like they’re breathing through a bear? That’s the Walrus. It’s massive. It hangs down over the mouth, sometimes completely obscuring the lips. Mark Twain was the king of this. It’s a statement of "I don't care about crumbs." Honestly, eating soup with a Walrus mustache is a logistical nightmare. You need napkins. Lots of them. Friedrich Nietzsche also rocked a variation of this that looked like it had its own gravitational pull.
Why Your Face Shape Changes Everything
You can’t just pick a style from a poster at the barber shop and expect it to work. Life isn't that kind.
- Square faces usually benefit from a bit of softness. A heavy Chevron or a slightly curved Horseshoe helps break up the harsh angles of the jaw.
- Oval faces are the lucky winners. They can pull off almost anything, from the creepy-cool Pencil mustache to the full-on Imperial.
- Round faces need height. If you grow a mustache that is too wide, your head starts looking like a bowling ball. You want something with a bit of a downward angle to create the illusion of length.
The Horsetail or Horseshoe is often confused with the Fu Manchu, but they are totally different beasts. The Horseshoe (think Hulk Hogan) consists of vertical extensions grown down the sides of the mouth to the jawline. It looks like an upside-down "U." The Fu Manchu, however, grows only from the upper lip, and the "tails" are just long hairs hanging down. One is tough; the other is a cinematic trope that usually requires a lot of grooming and a specific aesthetic.
The Pencil and the Sophisticate
The Pencil mustache is a razor-thin line. It’s 1940s Hollywood. Clark Gable made it look effortless, but in reality, it’s a pain. You have to shave it every single day to keep that line crisp. If you miss a day, it just looks like you forgot to wash your face. It sits just above the lip, leaving a gap of skin between the hair and the nose. It’s dainty. It’s precise. It’s very "I own a tuxedo."
Grooming Realities Nobody Tells You
Most guys think they just need a trimmer. Wrong. If you’re serious about different kinds of mustaches, you need a toolkit.
First, a comb. A tiny one. You need to train the hairs to grow sideways rather than straight out like a porcupine. Second, wax. Not the stuff you use for candles. Mustache wax is usually a mix of beeswax and petroleum jelly or oils. It provides the "hold." If you’re going for a Handlebar or an English mustache (which is narrowed and pulled straight out to the sides), wax is your best friend.
Also, skin care. The skin under a mustache gets dry. It flakes. "Beard dandruff" is real, and it’s gross. Use a drop of oil—jojoba or argan—to keep the skin hydrated. If you don't, you’ll spend your whole day scratching your lip like you’ve got a nervous twitch.
💡 You might also like: Turning Your Old Gown Into a Jumpsuit: How to Make a Romper From a Dress Without Ruining It
The Cultural Weight of the Upper Lip
Mustaches go through cycles. In the 70s, they were everywhere. In the 90s, they were a joke. Now, thanks to movements like Movember, they’ve reclaimed some ground. But there’s still a stigma. Some styles, like the Toothbrush (the small block in the center), are permanently retired because of Adolf Hitler. Before him, Charlie Chaplin used it for comedic effect. Now? It’s a social death sentence.
Then you have the Painter’s Brush. It’s similar to the Chevron but with rounded corners. It’s the "everyman" look. It’s what you see on police officers or firemen. It’s sturdy. It doesn't ask for attention, it just does its job.
Common Mistakes to Avoid
- The "Gap": Shaving too much of the middle. A mustache should generally be one continuous piece.
- The "Overhang": Letting the hair grow so far over your lip that you start eating it. Use scissors. Trim the line of your lip.
- The "Ghost": Trying to grow a mustache when you don't have the density. If it’s wispy, let it go. It’s not happening this year.
Actionable Steps for Your New Look
If you’re ready to jump in, don't just shave your beard into a mustache and call it a day. That’s a recipe for immediate regret.
- Grow a full beard first. It sounds counterintuitive, but having more hair to work with gives you options. You can "carve" the mustache out of the beard.
- Invest in a dedicated mustache trimmer. The big ones for your head are too clunky for the detail work around the nose.
- Pick a style based on your growth patterns. If your hair doesn't grow in the middle (the philtrum), don't try a Chevron. Go for a style that embraces the gap, like the Van Dyke.
- Give it four weeks. The first two weeks will look itchy and awkward. Push through. By week four, the hair has enough weight to lay flat.
Once you’ve established the shape, maintenance is a weekly ritual. Use a safety razor for the skin around the mustache to keep the edges sharp. A blurry edge makes the whole thing look accidental. Precision is the difference between looking like a Victorian gentleman and looking like you're hiding from the law. Keep it tight, keep it clean, and for the love of everything, keep the soup out of it.