Let’s be real for a second. Most guys think they’re pretty good at going down on a woman, but the data often says otherwise. It’s one of those things where confidence tends to outpace actual feedback. In fact, a 2017 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior—which looked at over 52,000 people—found a massive "orgasm gap." While 95% of heterosexual men said they usually or always climaxed during sex, only about 65% of heterosexual women could say the same.
That’s a huge discrepancy.
The clitoris is essentially the "powerhouse" of the female orgasm, yet it often gets treated like an afterthought or a quick pit stop on the way to something else. For many women, cunnilingus isn't just a "nice to have" precursor; it is the main event. Honestly, if you aren't prioritizing this part of the experience, you're basically leaving most of the potential fun on the table.
The Anatomy Most Guys Get Wrong
We need to talk about the clitoris. Seriously.
Most people think it’s just that little "button" at the top. It’s not. Dr. Helen O'Connell, an Australian urologist, famously mapped out the full extent of the clitoral structure in the late 90s. What we see on the outside is just the tip of the iceberg. The rest of it wraps around the vaginal canal and extends deep into the pelvic floor. It has roughly 8,000 nerve endings—that's double what’s in the head of a penis.
When you're giving a woman oral sex, you aren't just rubbing a spot; you're interacting with a complex, internal network of sensitive tissue that needs blood flow to really wake up. This takes time. You can’t just rush in at 100 miles per hour.
Patience is key.
If you start too hard or too fast, it can actually be painful or overwhelming. Think of it like a volume knob. You don’t walk into a room and crank the speakers to the max immediately. You fade it in. You feel the vibe. You see how the room—or in this case, your partner—reacts.
Why Communication Is Kinda Awkward (But Necessary)
There is this weird myth that if you have "chemistry," you should just instinctively know what to do. That is total nonsense. Everyone is wired differently. One woman might love heavy pressure and a fast rhythm, while another might find that exact same thing totally numbing or even irritating.
Ask.
"Do you like this?" or "Should I stay right here?" shouldn't feel like a mood killer. Honestly, it’s usually the opposite. It shows you’re paying attention. Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are, talks a lot about "context." For many women, the physical sensation is only half the battle; the mental state and the feeling of being heard and seen are what actually allow the body to respond.
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If she says "don't stop," for the love of everything, do not change your rhythm. This is where many guys mess up. They feel like they’re doing a great job, so they decide to "level up" by going faster or switching techniques right when she’s about to finish. Don't do that. If it's working, stay the course. Consistency is the most underrated skill in the bedroom.
The Power of the Tongue (and the Hands)
It’s called oral sex, but it’s really a full-body sport. Your hands shouldn't just be hanging out by your sides like you're waiting for a bus. Use them. Use them to move hair out of the way, to provide a little bit of tension, or to stimulate other areas.
- The Flat Tongue: Great for broad, gentle strokes. This is usually the best way to start.
- The Pointed Tip: Good for pinpoint accuracy once things start heating up.
- The "Alphabet" Method: It's an old cliché, but spelling out the ABCs with your tongue keeps your movements varied enough that she won't get desensitized to a repetitive motion.
- Suction: Don't underestimate the power of a gentle vacuum. It mimics the sensation of a localized heartbeat and can be incredibly intense.
Vary the pressure. Sometimes use the soft underside of your tongue; other times, use the firmer tip. Just keep breathing. If you're holding your breath because you're concentrating too hard, you’re going to get tired way faster.
Dealing with the "Smell" and "Taste" Anxiety
Let's address the elephant in the room: some guys are weird about the way a vulva looks or smells. If you're one of those people, you might want to rethink your perspective. A healthy vagina has a scent. It's biological. It's not supposed to smell like a "Spring Rain" candle or a bowl of fruit.
If you're acting hesitant or like you're "doing her a favor," she’s going to feel that. It’s a massive turn-off.
Enthusiasm is the most effective aphrodisiac. When you show that you genuinely enjoy the taste and the experience of men giving women oral sex, it lowers her inhibitions. It makes her feel safe and desired. If there’s a genuine hygiene concern, that’s a separate conversation to have outside of the bedroom with kindness and maturity. But most of the time? It’s just natural chemistry. Embrace it.
The Mental Game and the "Slow Burn"
Men often treat sex like a race to the finish line. Women often experience it like a slow-burning fire that needs to be stoked.
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If you dive straight for the clitoris the second the clothes come off, you’re skipping the buildup. Spend time on the thighs. Spend time on the stomach. Use your breath. The anticipation of you finally getting to where she wants you to be is often just as pleasurable as the act itself.
There's a concept called "responsive desire." Unlike many men who have "spontaneous desire" (they see something and they want it), many women need the right environment and physical stimulation to get their engine revving. Oral sex is the ultimate tool for this. It’s not just a warm-up for intercourse; it’s a valid, stand-alone way to connect.
Positioning Matters More Than You Think
If your neck is cramping or your jaw is locking up after two minutes, you aren't going to be very effective. Comfort is essential for endurance.
- The Pillow Prop: Put a pillow or two under her hips. This angles everything toward you and makes it much easier on your neck.
- The Edge of the Bed: Have her lie at the very edge of the bed while you sit or kneel on the floor. This gives you full range of motion without having to do a weird plank over her.
- 69 is Overrated: Seriously. It’s hard to focus on giving your best performance when you’re also trying to receive. It’s a fun novelty, but for most people, it’s a "jack of all trades, master of none" position. Try focusing on one person at a time.
Actionable Steps for Better Results
If you want to actually improve, you have to be willing to practice.
First, stop watching porn to learn how to do this. Porn is shot for the camera, not for the person involved. The movements are often exaggerated and way too aggressive for real-life sensitivity. Instead, listen to your partner’s breathing. If her breath hitches, stay there. If she arches her back, keep doing exactly what you're doing.
Secondly, use lube. Even during oral. A little bit of water-based lubricant can reduce friction if she isn't naturally producing enough, making the sensation much smoother and less likely to cause irritation over a long session.
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Lastly, don't make it a "transaction." Don't go down on her just because you expect something in return five minutes later. Do it because you enjoy the intimacy and because seeing your partner lose control is one of the best feelings there is.
Go slow. Use more surface area of your tongue than you think you need. Keep your jaw relaxed. Don't be afraid to use your fingers simultaneously. Most importantly, stay present. When you stop worrying about "winning" and start focusing on the sensory experience, everything gets better for both of you.