You’ve heard it a thousand times. Maybe from a well-meaning friend over coffee or a random Instagram infographic that looked a bit too polished. Just let it go. It sounds so simple, right? Like dropping a heavy bag of groceries you’re tired of carrying. But honestly, if it were actually that easy, we’d all be walking around in a state of perpetual Zen, and the therapy industry would probably collapse overnight.
The phrase just let it go has become a sort of linguistic band-aid. We slap it on deep-seated resentment, childhood trauma, or even just a bad day at work where your boss was a total jerk. But here’s the thing: you can't force an emotional process to happen just because you’ve decided the deadline for being upset has passed.
When people tell you to just let it go, they’re usually trying to help you find peace. Or, let’s be real, they’re tired of hearing you complain. Either way, the advice usually skips the most important part of the human experience—processing. You can’t eject an emotion like a faulty USB drive.
The Biology of Holding On
Our brains are literally wired to keep us safe, not necessarily to keep us happy. When something happens that hurts us, the amygdala—that tiny almond-shaped part of your brain—flares up. It records the "threat." This is why you still get a pit in your stomach when you drive past your ex’s neighborhood or see a certain name pop up in your inbox.
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Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of the seminal work The Body Keeps the Score, has spent decades proving that trauma and stress aren't just thoughts. They are physical imprints. They live in your muscle tension, your gut health, and your nervous system's "set point." Telling someone with a dysregulated nervous system to just let it go is like telling someone with a broken leg to "just walk it off." It’s fundamentally ignoring the structural reality of the situation.
We hold on because we’re trying to protect ourselves. If I stay angry, I’m guarded. If I’m guarded, I can’t get hurt again. It’s a survival mechanism that’s overstaying its welcome.
Why Logic Fails
You know, logically, that the guy who cut you off in traffic three hours ago doesn't deserve another second of your headspace. You know that ruminating on a mistake you made in 2014 helps nobody. Yet, there you are at 2:00 AM, replaying the dialogue.
This happens because the prefrontal cortex—the logical, "adult" part of the brain—is often bypassed by the limbic system during times of stress. You can't logic your way out of a feeling that you didn't logic your way into. It’s why affirmations sometimes feel like lies. If you’re screaming inside and you whisper "I am at peace," your brain knows you're full of it.
The Toxic Side of Forced Positivity
There’s a dark side to the just let it go mantra. It’s called toxic positivity. It’s the insistence that we should only experience "good" vibes and that anything else is a personal failure or a lack of spiritual maturity.
This is dangerous.
When we force ourselves to "let go" before we’re ready, we usually just end up suppressing. Suppression is just "holding on" in disguise. It’s like pushing a beach ball underwater. You can hold it down for a while, but it takes constant energy, and eventually, it’s going to rocket back up and hit you in the face.
Research from the University of Texas at Austin has shown that by suppressing emotions, we actually make them stronger. In one study, participants who tried to hide their feelings during a disturbing film had significantly higher physiological arousal (higher heart rates, more sweat) than those who were told to just feel what they felt.
The Difference Between Letting Go and Moving On
People use these terms interchangeably, but they’re different.
Moving on is a choice of direction. It’s deciding that despite the pain, you’re going to keep walking. Letting go is a shift in internal state. It’s the moment the weight actually lifts.
You can move on while still holding on. You can get a new job, start a new relationship, and move to a new city while still carrying the heavy baggage of the past. That’s okay. Sometimes moving on is the prerequisite for letting go. You have to build a new life that is big enough to hold the old pain until the pain eventually shrinks.
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How to Actually Do It (The Non-Cliche Way)
So, if "just" doing it doesn't work, what does?
First, you have to acknowledge the "Secondary Gain." This is a concept in psychology where we stay stuck because, on some level, it’s serving us. Maybe staying angry keeps you connected to someone who is gone. Maybe staying a "victim" means you don't have to take the terrifying risk of trying again and failing.
Ask yourself: What does holding onto this give me?
It’s a brutal question. Honestly, it’s kinda uncomfortable to answer. But once you see the "utility" of your pain, it loses some of its power over you.
Somatic Release
Since the body stores the stress, you have to involve the body in the release. This isn't woo-woo science; it's basic physiology.
- Vagus Nerve Activation: This nerve is the "on-off" switch for your fight-or-flight response. Cold water splashes on the face, humming, or deep diaphragmatic breathing can tell your brain that the "threat" is over.
- The 90-Second Rule: Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a Harvard-trained neuroanatomist, famously noted that the chemical process of an emotion only lasts about 90 seconds. If you feel it longer than that, you’re "re-stimulating" it with your thoughts. If you can sit with the pure physical sensation—the tightness in the chest, the heat in the neck—without adding a story to it, it will often dissipate on its own.
Change the Narrative
We aren't just living lives; we’re telling ourselves stories about our lives.
If your story is "I was betrayed and I’ll never recover," your brain will look for evidence to support that. If you shift the narrative to "I was hurt, I’m learning how to heal, and this is a chapter, not the whole book," the grip of the emotion starts to loosen.
When Letting Go Isn't the Goal
Sometimes, we don't need to let go. We need to integrate.
Grief is a great example. You don't "let go" of a person you loved who died. You learn to carry the loss. It becomes a part of your architecture. Expecting yourself to just let it go in these instances is a form of self-cruelty.
The goal shouldn't be to become a blank slate. The goal is to become someone who can experience the full spectrum of human emotion without getting stuck in one gear forever.
Actionable Steps for Real Release
If you’re currently struggling with something you feel you "should" have let go of by now, try these specific tactics. They aren't magic, but they work better than a hollow mantra.
- Schedule Your Ruminating: This sounds counterintuitive. Give yourself 10 minutes at 4:00 PM to be absolutely miserable. Feel the anger. Think the "bad" thoughts. When the timer goes off, you’re done for the day. This gives the emotion a "container" so it doesn't leak into everything else.
- Externalize the Feeling: Write a letter to the person or the situation. Say every single mean, petty, and "un-evolved" thing you’re thinking. Do not send it. Burn it, shred it, or bury it. The act of moving the thought from your head to the paper is a physical act of relocation.
- Check Your Environment: Are you constantly looking at their social media? Are you keeping "souvenirs" of a time that hurt you? You can't heal in the same environment that made you sick. Digital boundaries are a form of self-respect.
- Forgiveness is for You (And it's Optional): There’s a lot of pressure to forgive. Forgiveness doesn't mean what they did was okay. It doesn't even mean you have to talk to them. It just means you’re resigning from the position of "punisher." If you aren't ready to forgive, start with "neutrality." Aim for being bored by the topic rather than at peace with it.
The process of learning to just let it go is actually a process of learning to let it be. When you stop fighting the fact that you’re hurt, the hurt stops being such a monster. It becomes a feeling. And feelings, by their very nature, are transient—if you stop holding onto them.
To make this practical, identify one specific recurring thought that has been bothering you this week. Instead of telling yourself to stop thinking it, acknowledge it. Say, "Oh, there’s that thought again. It’s trying to protect me, but I don’t need it right now." Then, physically move your body—go for a walk, do ten jumping jacks, or just change the room you're in. This breaks the cognitive-spatial loop and starts the process of real, neurological release.