You probably know the feeling. You’re the first one in the office and the last one to leave. You bake cupcakes for the team birthday, you say "sorry" before asking a basic question in a Slack channel, and you never, ever disagree with your boss in public. You're doing everything "right." Yet, during the annual review, that promotion you've been eyeing goes to the guy who spends half his morning talking about fantasy football and the other half delegating his actual work to you. It feels unfair. It's frustrating.
Basically, you're experiencing the exact phenomenon Lois P. Frankel warned us about decades ago.
When Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office first hit the shelves, it wasn't just a book; it was a cold bucket of water to the face for women who thought being "good" was the same as being "successful." Dr. Frankel, a coach who has spent years in the trenches of corporate America, identified over 130 behaviors that women learn in childhood—behaviors that make them likable "girls" but keep them from being seen as powerful "women." It's not about being mean. It's about being an adult. Honestly, the distinction is where most people get tripped up.
The Socialization Trap
We’re taught from a young age to be the peacekeepers. Don't make a scene. Be helpful. Smile. While those traits make you a lovely person to have at a dinner party, they can be absolute career killers in a boardroom.
Think about the way you sit in a meeting. Are you tucked away in a corner, taking up as little physical space as possible? Are you the one always volunteering to take the minutes or organize the holiday party? These seem like small things. They aren't. They’re "girl" behaviors. In a professional setting, they signal that you are a support player, not a leader. Leadership requires a certain level of presence and, frankly, a bit of an ego. Not the toxic kind, but the kind that says, "My time is valuable, and my ideas deserve to be heard."
Dr. Frankel points out that many women suffer from "The Disease to Please." It’s a real thing. You worry so much about everyone liking you that you sacrifice your own authority. But here's the kicker: people don't actually promote the person they like the most; they promote the person they respect the most. Sometimes, respect requires you to be the person who says "no" or the person who points out that a project is heading for a cliff.
Communication Mistakes That Cost You
Let's talk about the way we speak. If you start an email with "I just wanted to check in..." or "I feel like maybe we should...", you're softening your impact. Why? Because you’re afraid of sounding too aggressive.
The word "just" is a permission-seeking word. It shrinks you.
Another classic move is the upward inflection at the end of a sentence—making a statement sound like a question? It’s called "uptalking." It makes you sound unsure of yourself, even if you’re the smartest person in the room. If you don't sound convinced by your own words, why should your CFO be? Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office highlights how these verbal tics create a "diminished" version of yourself.
Stop apologizing for existing. If someone bumps into you in the hallway, why are you the one saying "sorry"? It’s a reflex. We do it to smooth over social friction, but in a high-stakes business environment, constant apologizing is read as an admission of guilt or incompetence. It’s a hard habit to break, but it’s necessary if you want to be taken seriously.
The Myth of Hard Work
There is a pervasive lie that if you just work hard enough, someone will notice and reward you.
That is rarely how it works.
Working hard is the baseline. It’s the "price of admission." But if you’re buried under a mountain of spreadsheets and never come up for air to network or showcase your results, you’re invisible. Men often understand this intuitively. They know that visibility is just as important as productivity. Women, on the other hand, often wait for a "Tiara Syndrome" moment—waiting for someone to come by and place a crown on their head because they did such a good job.
Nobody is coming with a tiara.
You have to be your own PR agent. This doesn't mean bragging in a gross way. It means ensuring that the people who make decisions about your paycheck actually know what you’ve accomplished. It means framing your successes in terms of how they helped the bottom line.
Relationships vs. Results
There's a nuanced balance between being "one of the team" and being the boss.
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Many women spend too much time building "horizontal" relationships (with peers) and not enough "vertical" ones (with mentors and sponsors). You need people above you who are willing to put their reputation on the line to pull you up. That doesn't happen by being "nice." It happens by proving you’re a strategic asset.
One of the most controversial points in Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office is the idea of "acting like a man." People hate that phrase. It feels regressive. But if you look past the gendered language, what Frankel is actually saying is: adopt the behaviors that the current system rewards. Until the system changes, you have to play the game that's currently on the field. That means being direct, taking risks, and not taking business disagreements personally.
If someone critiques your report, they aren't attacking your soul. They’re critiquing a document. "Nice girls" often internalize professional feedback as a personal failing. Leaders see it as data.
Practical Shifts for Your Monday Morning
You don't need to change your entire personality overnight. That would be weird. Everyone would think you’re having a mid-life crisis. Instead, focus on small, tactical shifts that change the "signal" you’re sending to your colleagues.
- Stop the "Office Mom" Routine: If there’s a mess in the breakroom, leave it. If there’s a birthday card being passed around, sign it and pass it on—don't be the one who hunted everyone down to get it signed.
- The Seat at the Table: Literally. If you’re in a meeting, sit at the main table. Do not sit in the chairs against the wall. That’s for observers. You are a participant.
- Master the Pause: When someone asks you a tough question, don't rush to fill the silence with "ums" and "uhs." Take a breath. Count to two. It signals that you are thinking and that you aren't rattled.
- Direct Requests: Instead of saying, "If you have a chance, could you maybe look at this?", try "Please review this by 4 PM so I can finalize the draft." It’s not rude. It’s clear.
- Physical Presence: Watch your posture. Stop tilting your head to the side when you listen—it’s a submissive gesture. Keep your head level. It makes a massive difference in how people perceive your authority.
Why the Message Still Stings
The reason Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office remains a bestseller is because the double standard is still very much alive. A man who is assertive is a "leader," while a woman who is assertive is often labeled something much less flattering. It’s a tightrope.
However, being "nice" is a guaranteed way to stay stuck. You can be kind, you can be empathetic, and you can be a great mentor without being a "nice girl." Being a "woman" in business means owning your power and being okay with the fact that not everyone is going to like every decision you make.
The corner office isn't just a physical space. It’s a metaphor for having agency over your career. It’s about being in the room where it happens. If you’re still waiting for permission to lead, you’ve already lost.
Actionable Next Steps
To move beyond the "nice girl" patterns and start being viewed as a leader, start with these specific shifts:
- Audit Your Vocabulary: For one week, look at your sent emails. Delete every "just," "I think," "I feel," and "sorry" (unless you actually broke something or missed a deadline). See how much more authoritative your writing looks.
- Define Your Brand: If you were a brand, what would your three keywords be? If "nice" or "helpful" are on that list, replace them. Try "decisive," "strategic," or "expert." Start acting in alignment with those new words.
- Find a Sponsor, Not a Mentor: A mentor gives you advice over coffee. A sponsor talks about you when you aren't in the room. Identify one person two levels above you and find a way to make their life easier with your specific skill set.
- Practice Disagreeing: Start small. In a low-stakes meeting, offer a counterpoint. "I see it differently," or "Have we considered the risk of X?" Get comfortable with the feeling of social friction. It won't kill you.
- Claim Your Wins: In your next one-on-one, don't say "We had a great quarter." Say "I led the team to a 15% increase in output this quarter." Own the verb.
The transition from being the "nice girl" to the "power player" isn't about losing your soul. It's about finding your voice. It's about realizing that you don't need to be everyone's favorite coworker to be the most respected person in the building. Respect lasts longer than likability anyway.